Bernie Sanders, how you annoy me.
You are the only political candidate in my entire adult career to motivate me to take any kind of political action whatsoever.
You sneaky motherfucker. You’ve convinced me to give money, buy a t-shirt, and get in an actual car and drive to an actual political rally where I had to actually stand an actual hour despite my extremely strong feelings against standing and my extremely strong disposition of apathy regarding any social or political issues. (The only other time I ever engaged in any political action was that one time I followed that parody Rahm Emanuel account on twitter. Oh Rahm, you sassy, sassy scallywag).
But now I am like a stranger unto myself. I obnoxiously share Bernie Sanders’ memes on facebook. I talk about Bernie Sanders with complete strangers. And I will actually behave as an American citizen in the upcoming elections and vote for Bernie Sanders. It’s like Bernie Sanders has infected my mind with his stupid authenticity, stupid honesty, and stupid common sense policy making.
Here’s just a few reasons why we all need to get off our lazy, apathetic asses and vote for Bernie Sanders in the 2016 presidential primaries, and I swear my reasons go beyond the fact that my grandfather was also a cranky, old Jew named Bernie (may you RIP Grandpa Bernard, may you RIP).
Bernie Sanders is not beholden to some asshole corporation’s big money.
What does this mean? While other candidates are getting major dollars pumped into their campaigns from huge corporations in exchange for God only knows what kinds of policy and advantageous-to-them-only law making favors, Bernie Sanders is completely funded through his grass-roots campaigns. He is beholden to us, and that’s how he wants it.
Bernie Sanders has consistently held the same positions for decades – AND his voting record shows that his positions are right.
The Iraq War? Bernie was against it. Deregulating Wall Street? Bernie was against it. DOMA? Bernie was against it. Gay Pride Day? Woops – actually, Bernie was 100% totally all for that – in 1985. (Hillary didn’t come out in support of gay marriage until just a couple years ago!)
But when it comes to veterans, healthcare, and education?
Bernie is stellar. While not pushing the Industrial War Complex like many other presidential hopefuls we know, Bernie is chairman of the Senate Veterans’ Affair Committee. He cares about the soldiers when they return, you know like, actually thinks of them as people and not just units of destruction used to profit a wealthy few.
Bernie Sanders wants a single payer healthcare system so that everyone can receive healthcare, and not just those who can afford it. And he has proposed free public university for any qualified student in the country.
Think about how that can help equality for a minute.
Just think about it.
And that’s not even scraping the tip of the socialist ice berg. Bernie lays out his twelve-point plan here where he also talks about closing the gender pay gap, climate change, and all the other shit we so called vapid-headed millennials care about. It’s cool, you can check it out from your smartphone so you don’t have to look up and accidentally make eye contact with other living beings. While you’re at it, search for him on youtube and you’ll find him giving the business to troll-goblin hybrid Alan Greenspan like you have never seen before.
Do even a modicum of informed research, and you’ll be sharing those Bernie memes on facebook too just like how your grandma does with those pics of Italian Jesus holding a blond headed American child because Jesus is coming again guys and something something the American flag.
Thanks a lot, Bernie Sanders. Now I have to feel things. Hold on though, lemme finish this tweet about Arby’s first.