***First submission by special guest writer and special ex-patriot: Mike S.***
By Mike S.
“This salmon is so fucking good, I wish I could give you an internet bite!” says Kat.
I reply “That’s the next thing that needs to be invented.”
Except it’s not.
Although an internet bite might be a more lucrative option, “the next thing” needs to be some sort of machine that allows me to fill in a form electronically, and then digitally and securely transmit it from Seoul (where I live) to Washington, so that the FBI can process a criminal background in less than thirteen fucking weeks!
Something like a computer. (Because paper forms and snail mail are so 90’s…)
As an ex-pat working abroad, I am required by South Korean law to submit a federal background check in order to be employed. Makes sense – they don’t want felons and pedophiles running amok . But waiting thirteen weeks for the background check to be completed is a huge fucking hassle, and I am not behind you on that .
I applied for my criminal check (by mail, including freshly taken fingerprints) the last week of May.
I applied for my new job the second week of June.
Guess who’s still waiting for the FBI so that I can actually get my visa and start working?
Thank God my employer is cool with waiting- most people would have had their job offers rescinded, and then they’d be forced right out of the country.
What does all this have to do with you?
Yes, I’m gay and I care about LGBTQI rights and our agenda (slowly taking over the world ). Yes, I’m a fairly recent college graduate, [Editor’s Note: lol – Mike, it’s been ten years] and I care about alleviating debt and making university accessible. And YES, I am a liberal democrat, and I absolutely care about bridging the income gap and enforcing a strict sterilization policy for anyone who votes for Donald motherfucking Chump. I mean… Trump.
Except I actually don’t care about any of that.
I really only care about how unbelievably slow and archaic the United States’ bureaucratic policies are.
British DBS- 5 weeks.
New Zealand criminal check- 5 weeks.
Canadian criminal check- 3 days! DAYS! Oh, and they only accept electronic fingerprints. The US? No, that would SAVE TIME. Can’t allow that.
To be fair, each of these countries charge more than the US.
In the US- $18 (and they mail it to you for free.)
Canada- $25 (Canadian dollars)
New Zealand- $50 ($1NZD = $0.70USD)
I would totally pay $50 to $100 if it meant the check only took three fucking days! What sort of serial job-seekers are getting FBI checks so often that they have to be so inexpensive? From my understanding, it’s only ex-pats like me, prospective adoptive parents, and government employees who need these checks -a list of people who can afford more than $18 and a stamp .
My point? Yes, it would be nice to fix the big problems and blahblahblah.
But who’s focusing on the little problems? Which of the candidates has a platform of bureaucratic reform?
Have I accidentally stumbled upon the next big thing in American politics: trying to catch America up to the technical superiority of Canada?
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