Follow every list you find on the internet about being happy. All internet lists are infallible outpourings of philosophical wisdom and should be followed AT ALL COSTS. Bonus points for anything found on huffpo or upworthy. More bonus points for reposting to Facebook. Even more bonus points for a Pinterest Board.
Buy. Everything. Buying things will make you feel whole again! Money = Love and Stuff You Buy With Money = Babies. Buy yourself love and babies! Bonus points for putting it all on credit.
Go on Facebook, look at other people’s accomplishments, ruminate on your life. Guaranteed to put a smile on your face. You will feel so inspired to work so much harder by comparing yourself to all your friends with marriages and advanced degrees. Bonus points for people with twins.
Read The Secret; make vision board. Because nothing promises success more than a poster board plastered with pictures of Mary Kate and Ashley Olson from a 2007 Cosmo magazine and mismatched letter cutouts of words like “Strength,” “Beauty,” “Serenity,” Nothing. Sure fire, you guys. Bonus points for Chinese Symbols with personal meaning to you.
Cleanses. Like, all of them, and all at once. The more wretched and depriving, the better because your body is a disgusting shell of bacteria that needs to be purged of all its natural resources IMMEDIATELY. Bonus points for Master Cleanse. Cleanliness is godliness, y’all.