Biz Smith’s Guide To Getting Busy with Babes

[Editor’s Note: We’d like to welcome our new contributor, Tom Patton (AKA Biz Smith)!]

By Biz Smith

Hey bro, you wanna get bitches?

Obviously. These popped collars should tell you that.


Well, ring the muff bell because vag school is in session and you’re entering the poontangth grade.

Lots of guys think they have the winning advice for getting that trim, but I’m here to show you what a real alpha-dog, dominant-dude can do to get it in a way those limp-wristed beta males like Neil Strawdick and Doosh B. have only dreamed of.  

First, we’ll look at the so-called ‘game’ the two losers above and their followers suggest, and then after explaining how weak that sauce is, I’ll teach you some REAL game that will have women flying at you vulva-first.

Step One: The Approach

Say you’re out at the (or possibly, ‘da’) club, you’ve got your swag on point and you’re beating up the beat real nasty, but then you spot a fine-looking HB (hot bitch, or babe for you pussified-ass feminists out there.)

How are you supposed to even get her attention to mac on her? Conventional pick-up artist wisdom says the way to approach a lady is to wear something eye-catching, like a fedora, spats or a shirt with three separate collars, (all popped,) because that way HB’s will be all like, “Oh, he hurts my eyes to look at, I’ll talk to him!”


Or, you can double up your fancy hat game. Fancy hats = pussy for days.

These idiots also probably think janking it into their sister’s panties counts as getting laid.

These dust-mites on the rug of masculinity will also tell you to swagger up with confidence you probably shouldn’t have and to talk to her friends first, because ignoring a woman will get her. I don’t have time to go into why these guys are wrong (‘cause I’m getting laid so much) but when you see my game for approaching HB’s it’s gonna blow your brain out the back of your skull.

And you know what will jump into the hole it leaves?


Step Two: The Negging

Hey! Have you ever noticed how your nose wiggles when you laugh?

How tall are you without those high heels, like four-foot-seven?

Your earrings are pretty big, like you’re a Jamaican! That’s cool.

The above negs are what you should be saying if you want to sit alone at home flogging the lonely llama.

These negs are lazy and predictable and every dude uses ‘em, so they don’t even work anymore!  HB’s just laugh at dudes who swagger up and spit this weak-ass game.  And who can blame them?  You’re just some poser who came out of nowhere and tried to talk down to them. Who died and made you bro-king? Not Biz Smith! You wanna fight me!? Right here in the middle of this seduction advice column?!!? Sorry, I can get pretty passionate about getting you laid, I let myself get a little heated there.  We’ll get to some negs that actually work in a second, bro, but next we have to talk about:

Step Three: Closing

Whether we’re talking about kiss-closing or F-closing (I’m guessing you virgins don’t know what the F stands for, but I bet you can guess) after you’ve gotten an HB’s attention and managed to bust her self-esteem down to your level, you have to seal the deal…with dat dick! At least that’s what the beta – no – gamma males will tell you.  

They think you have to get her away from a group, isolate her, and then you go in for the kill whether she’s giving you real IOI’s (indicators of interest) or not. You know why these little boys have the time for thinking up all these chess strategies for trying (and failing) to make gashes gooey? Because they’re playing chess and thinking of getting laid instead of actually doing it.

“I..I’m doing the sex now, right?” Naw bro…you ain’t.

Step Four: Moving On

Sometimes, if one of these nutless wonders manages to find an HB who’s drunk enough, he actually manages to get with ‘em. Their classic textbook says you should leave right after sex  – if not right in the middle.  That way you’ll get more tang and/or poon if you just walk away and try again.

I’m here to tell you that’s a bunch of crap, and you’ll know when it’s time to bail only after you read the real game you’re about to learn from this apex top alpha man dog on campus. I hope you’re wearing your swimming panties, because you’re about to get baptized into manhood, read on!

Real Game

Okay, Bro, I’m gonna make this so simple even you can follow it (I apparently don’t like or respect you, bro).

The number one trick to getting bitches, is so sneaky and insidious they’ll never see it coming.

Treat ‘em like people.

Just like, join their social circle. Actually get to know their friends. Take a real interest in their lives.  

When you see a girl you like, walk up and say hi. If she has a boyfriend, you need to respect that and leave her alone, also if she says “no” to anything you propose, move on try to get with another girl.

This trick is like a mind-hack that will make her think you’re actually a decent human being and respectful of her boundaries and individuality, HB’s never see that coming, bro.

How often should you apply the negs I’m about to teach you? Never, because there is no right time and there are no negs.

Do me a favor and move towards the camera, tilt your face just slightly upwards, bro, because I am about to drop a copious knowledge load all over your face (no bromo!)

The real secret of negging is that if you elevate her, you elevate yourself, and then you both get to be on the highest level possible.

If you can, you need to deceive her into realizing how special she is, both to you and in general.  

Pay her the compliments she deserves, let her know if there’s something she’s done you didn’t appreciate respectfully, and above all don’t resort to criticizing her clothes or her physique – that way you’ll totally get in there and have a chance to score.

What most guys don’t realize about women is how easy they are; all you have to do is treat them like people at all times, human beings with their own dreams and nuances and perspectives and BOOM:  

You’re IN there, bro, IN there.

If you hook up with an HB and get what you want from her, isn’t the most alpha-dog dominant thing you can do to hook up again and again and again?

You can seduce any woman into being with you at any time, just make sure you obtain her enthusiastic consent every time. Trust me, bro, if you’re doing your job right in the sack, there will be plenty of that.

All you have to do, always, is figure out what she’s like as a person and then what she wants in life! It’s that easy, brosephine, it’s that easy. 

Do your best to be a partner who is willing to help her achieve those things over and over again.

Hey girl...Imma help you achieve your coat-wearing goals.

Hey girl…Imma help you achieve your coat-wearing goals.

Remember Anniversaries, bro.

Buy her flowers when there isn’t a reason.

Buy a fancy-ass ring and ask to marry her.

Have children.

Settle down.

If you get your seduction game on point following all the advice I’ve laid out, nothing any PUG, PUA or PUM (Pick-Up Guru, Artist, Master) says to you will make any sense ever again. You’ll be able to look at those – fuck it –  omega males in the eye, hold your gorgeous partner of thirty years close to your side and say with true stud confidence, “I got mine, bro… I got mine.”

Now, go get yours.


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