Kids Say the Weirdest Shit

In case you didn’t know, my day job involves a lot of interaction with kids. Overall, they’re pretty normal and pleasant to deal with. They’re at that really fun age where they’re old enough have minds of their own, but young enough to lack any sort of filter. A lot like Donald Trump.

Boy: Why are you playing Candy Crush?
Me: Because I’m a grown up and I can.
Boy: But you’re working.
Me: I know. But I worked hard yesterday and I deserve this.
Boy: But does your boss know?
Me: No. So don’t tell her.
Boy: Who’s your boss?
Me: Why would I tell you that?
Boy: I won’t tell, I just want your job so I can make my own decisions.

Boy 1: Connor! I thought you were going to wear your ears inside your ears all day today!
Boy 2: Yeah well they’re acting up for some reason. Nothing sticks in them on Wednesdays.
Boy 1: Let me get my glue stick. This is gonna be so awesome.

Me: (after unlocking the library doors) Good morning! Come on in! (all the kids come in, except for one)
Boy: Uh…is the library open?
Me: No. Not for another 15 minutes.
Boy: Oh, okay. I’ll come back.
Me: No. I was kidding. We open every day at 8. That’s why the doors are open and the lights are on and everyone else has come inside.
Boy: Oh…my mom says I need to get with the program but I don’t know which program to choose.

Boy: If I fail 3rd grade, blacksmithing seems like something I could do.

Boy: I like reading, I just don’t like holding things.

Girl: Where are the dog books? I’m trying to find the right dog for me. My mom says I need a poodle but she doesn’t know how wrong she is.

Girl: This looks like a Starbucks. Where’s my latte?

Boy 1: (he sees the window is open ) They should put screens on the windows so no one jumps out and commits suicide.
Me: Please don’t jump out of the window.
Boy 2: Yeah, she’d totally get fired if you did that.
Me: No, you’d be dead and I’d go to counseling.

Girl 1: Do you have any books on being awkward?
Girl 2: Don’t say you’re awkward because it sounds like you’re on a Disney show and they’re really stupid.

Boy: That book doesn’t have good information. This one has a guy holding up two dead eagles who are covered in blood. Duh…much better. (a few minutes later) I’m starting to regret even looking at this book.

Boy: (pointing to a picture of Matt Damon) He’s my dad.
Girl: Ok, yesterday you said Oprah was your mom, and today you’re saying Matt Damon is your dad. Which is it?
Boy: Oprah. Definitely Oprah.
Girl: Is she your mom or your dad?
Boy: I don’t know anymore.
Girl: Oh…I understand.

Boy: I didn’t know you were supposed to wear underwear with leggings! I barely know what leggings are!


3 thoughts on “Kids Say the Weirdest Shit

  1. Hey, remember when Bill Cosby had that show “kids say the darndest things” because he wouldn’t use swear words but he is basically one of the most notorious serial rapists of all time?

    This piece was great, btw – funnier than Bill Cosby. I just wanted to make sure that no one forgot that Bill Cosby is a rapist.

    Because he is….a rapist.

    Liked by 1 person

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