Last week on PR the designers completed the worst challenge ever and made bras and underwear (we don’t say panties up in these parts) for Heidi Klum’s lingerie line which she apparently has, I don’t know. Too apathetic to care.
And sadly, the previously-ons remind us that little sparkle puff ingénue Blake was sent home packing for his ill-conceived Mattel Barbie pink, unlined excuse for women’s undergarments.
Now on with the show.
Opening scene: We are in the girls’ apartment.
Laurie and Candice are talking about how they will miss Blake.
Laurie says that he was the “silent life of the party” which makes no sense at all, but I forgive her because I love Laurie, and she’s rocking a white v-neck tee, which is my fave.
Candice on the other hand is too distracting to look at for me to pay attention to what she is saying. Her hair is super gorge, but goddammit the way she does her eyebrows makes her look 100% like Natasha from Rocky and Bull Winkle. She has to be trolling us with that, right? I just can’t see anything else.
(I’m convinced someone at Lifetime hates her too as evidenced by these chosen episode screenshots)
Also, I mostly hate her designs and feel that she has a vastly overrated opinion of her aesthetic.
Anyway, moving on.
The designers receive a clue about their next design challenge while still in their apartments. The clue lies within a boombox and a cassette tape.
The designers joke about how old they are because something something cassette tapes and the 90s.
The cassette plays a recording from Heidi telling the designers they will be “diving into” their next challenge.
“What does the diving have to do with an awesome, old boombox?” says Kelly. LOL. And she looks exactly like Boy George and that’s the highest of compliments.
Contour on fleek.
The designers head off to a graffitied area with a dumpster of old technology.
Oh no! Another unconventional materials challenge!!!!!
“Merge the world of technology and fashion! Use outdated technology to create a modern and fashionable look!” Says Tim Gunn and somebody else who I think is from Marie Claire who I will hereinafter ignore.
“You take old technology and recycle it which kinda in a weird sick way makes me feel like a kid.” Candice says and then inexplicably laughs, but I don’t know why because she didn’t say anything funny. What the fuck is she actually talking about? She is full of nonsense and pointy eyebrows.
The designers get shopping carts and have to go dumpster diving for their design material. Lindsey says something about having a germ phobia but I got bored half way into her sentence. Just like I get bored half way into her designs. She reminds me of a cartoon My Little Pony. Also, a compliment.
Joe says something about technology and all I see is Carl from Aqua Teen Hungerforce. Not going to lie, I feel super guilty about that joke. I actually really like Joseph for the most part.
The designers grab their materials and head off to the workroom.
God, I did not care for that at all.
The designers get to work pulling, hacking, breaking, smashing at their techno-garbage.
The designers razz Joseph about making matronly clothing. Joseph is determined to make something sexy-rexy this time.
Ashley has a great idea of using old polaroids which she bleeds each individually.
Kelly is using some kind of metal tubings, and I feel like she’s creative enough to pull off something cool but also tacky enough to create something awful.
Tim comes into the workroom to remind the designers that their unconventional looks must also be wearable. Jake looks sadface and pulls Tim aside to let Tim know that Jake has been “informed” that his dog is going to die and that he wants to leave the show so that he can go home to be with his animal companion in its final days.
I definitely tear up a bit listening to Jake (and they cut to shots of him with his dog, who appears to be a greyhound) but something seemed off about the whole thing….how was he “informed”? It is my understanding that on reality shows like Project Runway contestants are kept incredibly isolated from the outside world.
Anyway, Jake decides to leave the show, and he 100% made the right decision. I mean, he wasn’t ever going to win, and bottom line, you don’t choose a reality show on Lifetime over family.
Tim and Jake announce that Jake will be leaving the show. All the designers seem to understand. Lindsey says she has two dogs, and she’d leave too. Truth, Lindsey. Preach.
Back to the work room.
Candice humblebrags, “I don’t know why, but I love unconventional challenges.” I imagine the rest of the designers collectively roll their eyes.
Shots of the designers working away. Swapnil is pulling apart wires. I love literally everything he wears. Like for instance, this silver vest-y thingy.
He intimates that pulling apart the wires is a lot more work than he had anticipated. We will soon find out plenty about how much Swapnil loves to do extra work.
Merline is dressed like an extra on the Cosby show, and I love it so hard. I love Merline too.
Tim enteres the workroom again for his one on one critiques with the designers. He’s wearing a grey double breasted suit with a polka dot pocket square.
Lindsey: Lindsey is struggling with creativity, but she’s using white keyboard keys and soft cd cases. She is super nervous. Tim seems blasé about the whole thing.
Fucking Candice (ugh): Candice talks about her silhouette (a.k.a the same silhouette that she’s done for literally every single solo challenge) and yammers on about how she loves the shape of a woman’s body. She’s making a sweetheart, knee length, fitted dress with blue and black wires. Business as usual.
Tim says it’s unexpected, and I’m like Tim you cray.
Ashley: Ashley shows Tim her polaroid prints, and Tim is impressed by her creativity even though Ashley doesn’t quite have a fully hatched plan on what to do with them.
Kelly: Kelly wants her aluminum piping to look like armor. Tim thinks it makes an unexpected, modern paillette. Kelly doesn’t know what a paillette is. LOL.
“I’m like he wants to make me a pie or some shit?” She says in her confessional and I briefly dislike her for that joke, but I still like her overall.
Also, just fucking admit you don’t know what a paillette is and ask. Merline called muslin muslim, and Michael Costello didn’t know the name of the material he used for one of his winning designs once. Just admit it.
Like I’ll admit that I had to turn on the closed captioning to even come close to spelling the word “paillette”.
Anyway, Tim seems surprised to be seeing Kelly making something halfway decent.
Edmond: Edmond is using black mousepads for the base of his design for a dress with a deep v and big, fringed 80s shoulders. He’s applying little keys up and down. Edmond is so sweet and seems like such a good competitor. Tim likes it.
Merline: Merline has immunity, and she’s ready to hit the crazy-sauce for this challenge. She’s making what Tim describes as a “big birdish” dress, with big winged shoulders using chords.
Merline says she doesn’t care “cause this is the only time I can make a bird outfit.” And I literally laugh out loud for the first time in my years of watching Project Runway. God bless you, Merline.
Joseph: Sexy, sexy, sexy. Using blue and black wire. Boring. Tim’s like, meh, ok.
Kelly insightfully thinks Joseph isn’t being creative enough for an unconventional challenge.
Laurie: Laurie is creating an off the shoulder look with a flouncy skirt using mouse pads. Tim’s like, “girl, those look like mousepads.” She’s not sure if she believes him.
Swapnil: Swapnil is using his wires and creating this wire-sculpture-esque wave top. Tim warns that he should use the wire for the skirt as well and not muslin. Tim’s like, if you use muslin you’ll be screwd. Don’t. Use. Muslin. Foreshadowing…..
Then, we learn a whole lot about Swapnil that we didn’t know before – that he’s super lazy and smokes all the time. He and Candice are in the break room when he shares with Candice that his strategy is to give around 60-80% just to be safe each round until the end. Candice isn’t into this strategy.
She says, “This is a competition – compete!” Except it sounds like comp-en-tition.
Not really sure what Swapnil is even thinking here. And I actually agree with Candice so …!?
Back to the workroom again, the designers are all struggling with their materials. Lindsey keeps burning her fingers or something. Merline calls Kelly, “Kelly from the Deli” in a weirdly perfect, rhyming description.
Kelly says she works at a deli full time….OOOOH. She says that Marie Claire is sophisticated and she isn’t. AWWW.
Finally, the models come pouring into the workroom for their first fitting.
Merline loves her immumity.
Lindsey wishes she had time to make a gown.
Joseph is 3 inches shy of covering his model’s ass.
Laurie’s like, fuck, Tim is right and my skirt looks like mousepads, so she thinks painting it will solve the problem. Jury’s still out if it actually does.
Swapnil fits his model and says, “So, it’s going to come on the face.” As they attempt to move the wave of the shirt away from the model. Insert joke here. Also her tits are showing.
Ashley fits her model and we hear the garment rip and she’s like, “Yeah, don’t worry about it.” Ha. And I wonder how the hell Ashley keeps her lavender hair from growing crazy roots while locked up in reality show universe. Did she pack some Manic Panic in her carry on?
Joseph decides that he is changing direction on his dress. He’s adding mousepads to his dress. As one does.
Back in the breakroom, Swapnil is there (again) talking to Ashley. Ashley tells us in the confessional that she has suffered from low self-esteem for a long time.
Candice, who does like ten thousand confessionals it seems, says something about how she “understands the mind game” (k….) and that if Ashley could get out of her head she could blow everyone out of the water.
And then she makes this fucking face:
And also she’s wrong, because Ashley has already won tons of challenges and the only one Candice won was when she was paired with Ashley. Shut up your face, Candice.
Two Hours Until the End of The Day:
The designers are rush, rush, rushing.
Lindsey questions if her design aesthetic fits in in the competition because apparently the judges aren’t super into ladies in their golden years who are quietly knitting in the corner with Mr. Wiggles Kitty Balls.
Ashley loves Kelly’s look.
Candice in her seven hundredth confessional talks some shit about Joseph and what he will do with his “dangling vagina wire” although, she’s right that his design needs help.
Swapnil is just chillin’ in the workroom some more while Merline and Candice actually work. Joseph says Swapnil has been procrastinating and needs to push himself – afterall, he hasn’t won a challenge.
Edmond thinks Swapnil is in trouble.
Candice’s says more in a confessional. Shut up Candice.
The Next Day:
The designer’s hurry to finish up their designs.
Tim shows up in the workroom again, announcing they have two hours and he’ll send the models into the styling studios.
Joseph says he doesn’t want to decorate his dress like a Christmas tree and prefers to leave it like a boring piece of mousepad garbage. Good choice!
The models come by for their final fitting.
Kelly sees that her model has “boobage” on the side and she’s “not gonna not win this challenge because there’s a boob hanging out.” Wise words. She adds some strips of aluminum on the side to keep them boobs from popping.
Swapnil is in trouble – to the surprise of no one. He makes a “micro, micro” mini out of muslin which Tim specifically warned him against. He also refers to his top as a “bustier” which seems to be a very liberal use of the word.
Ashley fits her model, and her piece looks great.
Ashley repeats my personal motto in life when she says, “It looks so good, you don’t even need a bra!”
The dress is really cute with a super-flaired skater skirt and a cut out midriff top.
We see a shot of Swapnil smoking outside. C’mon, man. It’s 2015.
The models get their make up and hair done. I think, despite what she sometimes is herself doing to her own face, Kelly’s styling on this piece is on point.
Tim steps in and calls ten minutes.
Swapnil thinks Candice’s look is very strong, and that she is his number one competition. I’m not sure he and I are looking at the same piece of clothing as Candice has decided to give her girl boob-lights.
In the last few minutes, Edmond decides to make a clutch bag out of what I think are blue mouse pads. I love how Edmond is so strategic. Plus, he seems to be one of the hardest workers in the work room. This isn’t the first time he’s created his own accessories either.
Lindsey says her dress is meh. And Candice says the word comp-en-tition again where she insults Lindsey in a confessional.
Up next, judging!
Heidi comes out in a shiny black suit and a super cool necklace that I want because I’m going to a brunch wedding and wearing a navy jumpsuit and I need a necklace for it. Heidi, holla at a girl.
Judges as usual: Zac Posen, the lovely Nina Garcia, someone named Paula Patton, and Editor in Chief of Marie Claire who I will continue to ignore.
I don’t know who Paula Patton is, but I’m about to believe she is the most gentle, sweet person alive.
Let the runways begin:
Clearly half-baked. Something cool about to happen. But instead he took a smoke break.
Lindsey says she’s burnt out but stoked. Nina looks absolutely fucking horrified.
All I see is the same ole’ thing and boob-lites. But props to her model for workin’ it.
“She almost looks like a creature.” Candice says again, making mostly no sense.
Not pussy-galore. Mousepad galore.
This bitch turned. It. Out.
I applaud Merline for her superior bird-designing capabilities, and I think her styling is killer.
She says, “I love her wing-shoulders. I like it.”
Lindsey says, “She kind of looks like a Tim Burton character.”
Styling is awful. Not my fave. She looks like an Eastern-European prostitute or something.
Candice says, “Well done, Joseph.” But her face of disdain says, “Jump out a window, Joseph.”
Ashley’s is adorable and creative. I also think her model looks excellent in this.
Heidi says this was a spectacular runway.
Merline and her bird, Laurie, and Candice and her eyebrows are safe.
The rest have the highest and the lowest scores….
Edmond: Nina likes this look. A lot. She thinks it has interesting detail on the front and that the fringe is current. I think in general she has been a fan of Edmond’s. I have in general been a fan of Edmonds AND Nina Garcia’s.
Heidi liked it too and calls it fashion forward. But we know Heidi loves to show boobs.
Paula Patton says she’d wear it in the sweetest voice known to man.
Zac likes the mosaic. And appreciates the accessory.
Ashley: The judges love Ashley’s piece. Nina says “A dress made out of memories.” Nine likes Ashley a lot too. Nina Garcia, on fleek. Heidi says it’s fun, flirty, and sexy. Zac is into the creative process. Everyone loves Ashley. She’s been a trooper this whole time. She cries. Paula Patton has the voice of an angel.
Kelly: Heidi can’t believe she made the dress out of unconventional materials. She says it’s super chic and futuristic. Zac says it’s polished and clean. He seems impressed…”hit all the right notes.” I love Kelly this episode. I love when underdogs pull through. Because do you really want to hurt her? Do you really want to make her cry? We don’t Kelly.
Joseph: Nina doesn’t think it’s creative. None of the judges are impressed and they don’t like the chords at the bottom. Joseph’s voice get real high. Paula Patton says something nice about the colors. Why does she seem like such a sweet person???? Who is she???? BRB Wikipedia. He legit looks like he’s about to cry.
Swapnil: Swapnil says some shit about wires. The judges have mixed feelings overall, and they can tell that he didn’t put in any effort from the waist down. Swapnil: You NEVER want ANYONE to say that to you. Clearly a failed attempt. They ask him if he ran out of time and he hems and haws. Zac is super disappointed – I hear ya, Posen.
Lindsey: Zac posen wins when he compares this to a bathroom – “the textures ,the colors, the vibes.” Zac Posen: designer and poet.
Judges take a closer look.
Paula Patton loves Ashley’s dress. She says it’s a piece of art. They all agree it was a lot of work. They like Ashley.
The judges think Kelly’s dress is so cool and actually feels nice. Heidi would wear it out. They agree that it’s polished and well made. Brava Kelly.
The judges think the more up close they get to Edmond’s dress, the less well made it seems. But it has lots of drama and movement. The back is cool too.
All the judges agree that Joseph’s was boring. Zac thinks it’s uninspired. They keep saying “scuba dress” over and over.
They agree that Lindsey didn’t do a ton. Nina says, “This to me is the worst.” And Nina can’t get the bathroom comment out of their head. Nina, I know, right?
Last, Swapnil. “This up here is good. The rest is a mess.” Says Nina. Zac is incredibly annoyed by Swapnil’s laziness. Tim says that Swapnil has ideas, but he is disgusted. Tim is quite upset about this. I love when Tim goes self-righteous medieval on a designer.
Winner: Kelly. YAY! I’m fucking psyched. And she deserved it.
Out: Joseph. Well, no surprise. But will he get the Tim Gunn save?