Quickies

Channel Surfing with Rachel: Tuesday Night Edition

8:15 PM – TNT

conair

Con Air is on. Steve Buschemi, John Malkovich, and Nicholas Cage. I don’t know what this movie is about but so far I’ve seen brilliant acting from John and Steve and bad hair from Nick. Oh, that one guy is here too. And that guy. Steve B is crazy? Maybe? OMG NICK’S ACCENT. Holy FUCK and my husband (John Cusack) is here too! How can people act in this movie when Nick Cage sounds like a shitty improv actor that’s waaaay out of his element.

8:21 – TBS

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Big Bang Theory. It’s a Christmas episode, which pisses me off. I hate holiday sitcoms that are shown at random times of the year. Next.

8:24 – BBC America

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Man Vs Wild. Bear is in the Sahara Desert. Of COURSE he found an abandoned ship and now he’s exploring it. I guess it’s part of the story? I don’t know, the only time I’ve seen this show is when Will Ferrell was on and he told Will to rotate his arms super fast because centrifical force sends the blood to your hands and keeps them warm. I shake my hands out when they’re cold and it WORKS. So thanks Bear! He’s currently murdering an octopus with his teeth. The tentacles are sticking to his lips and the suckers are sticking to the inside of his throat. I really hope a Red Lobster commercial is next.

8:31 – A&E

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Storage Wars. Fucking vultures. Something called a vault auction. This has to be set up. The first vault has garage sale leftovers in it. It just sold to Mary for $875. ……wut…… The next vault has Christmas decorations and other stuff. OOOOHHH SHHHIIIITTT The guy with the speech impediment was doing this weird “YEEAAUHP” noise to place his bid, he was at $200 and then the bald guy was like $600 MOTHERFUCKER and HOLY SHIT there goes my interest in this show.

8:38 – Chiller

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THE PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS. AWWWWW YEAAAHHHH. This movie is so great and weird and I have to be strong and turn it off because there are other things I can be snarky about.

8:38 – CLOO

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Cops!!! COPS!!! Ever since I worked in a prison I’ve had a new respect for law enforcement. That feels weird to say given the stigma that they now have in this country, and that aside, you gotta respect the ones that do what they’re supposed to do. OK so we’re in Kansas City with Officer Todd Templeton, burglary in progress. They got the K9 out! YES! The house they’re in is all blue inside. And dirty. It’s like horror movie dirty, so I’m not sure what the suspect was looking for. He’s not in the basement, or the main floor. He’s in the attic! Backup just arrived wearing a puka shell necklace. They got the guy out and the cop is asking me what he was doing there. They just pulled him out of the attic and he said, “I wasn’t there.” Puka Shells is not amused.

8:49 – Fox News

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Megyn Kelly is talking to these lawyers about this video where these cops punched a lady. I don’t know the details, so I’m not going to attempt to explain it. Actually, I have no idea what they’re talking about. One guy says that the woman deserved to get punched, the other guy says she didn’t. Megyn is sitting there smug and egging both of them on. Commercial break, but next she’s going to tell me about a group of ATHEISTS and how they wanted to remove prayer from a school and how the community responded. I bet I know how this one goes: Evil atheists try to infiltrate sleepy, God-fearing town and they are DEFEATED BY JESUS’ LOVE!  #blessed

8:54 – MSNBC

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Rachel Maddow. I don’t care what your politics are, you have to agree that she’s brilliant, fair, and knows her shit. Someone is sitting in for her and they’re talking about Donald, of course. The show is almost over, and I hope they talked about something else other than this.

9:00 – Oxygen

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Pretty Strong? I have no idea what this is. Apparently there’s a sport where women play tackle football in cheeky shorts and bras. I have so many questions that I don’t think will be answered by watching this show. Did a man start this? Does it hurt when you slide your bare ass on astroturf? There others but I’m too distracted by this chick’s biceps. You go girl. It took the show 2 minutes before they started focusing on the drama between all the women. SIGH. Also, why isn’t a chick coaching them? It’s some weird looking dude. This girl is talking about her “crazy switch” and I’m torn…am I excited for these women? Or are they just misguided? I’m more like 100% over this show because I fucking HATE football.

9:14 – Chiller

THE PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS, from left: Brandon Quintin Adams, A.J. Langer, 1991. ©Universal Pictures

Back to The People Under the Stairs. I just realized that this chick is AJ Langer AKA Rayanne from My So-Called Life!

It’s 9:30 and I’ve spent the past 15 minutes on Facebook. I was thinking, “I have no idea how to end this.” I think I ended it for myself. Goodnight!

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