I consume Bravo reality shows faster than Kaonashi consumes garbage in a bath house so it is my fucking honor to begin the creative project of a lifetime by recapping every single Real Housewives of New York episode, starting from the very beginning: Season One, Episode One..
So let’s begin, begin our odyssey. This is gonna be a long, white-privileged ride, y’all. BUCKLE UP, BUCKS!
Opening credits…Here comes the wooshy, whimsical intro music and first things first:
Alex-mother-fucking-Mccord in the mother-fucking-house wearing a superfluous, low slung, oversized wrap belt! Two thousand eight was so cool, guise!
Anyway, Alex’s opening line: “To a certain group of people in New York, status is everything.”
Translation: We are wannabes. Also, I totes mean this smile.
Next up, the baddest bitch of them all, Countess LuAnn.
LuAnn: “I never feel guilty about being privileged.”
You shouldn’t LuAnn. But do you ever feel guilty about wearing too many wrap dresses? (Spoiler, she wears a lot of wrap dresses.)
Bethenny: “New York City is my playground.”
And then there’s Jill: “I run with a fabulous circle of people.” She says while wearing a rusched, tan, skin-tight, satin gown even though she is presumably not attending an 80s prom themed party. They must also be a very understanding circle of people because if that bitch showed up to my dinner party in that ratchet dress, I’d send her ass back to Chicos where she belongs and tell her not to return until she found an age-appropriate, slouchy sweater to wear with a nice pair of sensible, white capris.
And finally, Ramona: “I like making my own money. I find that an aphrodisiac.” And I can’t even address her use of the word aphrodisiac because she, too, is donning a skin-tight, rusched satin dress like a goddamn villain.
This is why Americans are hated.
Alright, moving on, let’s get this gold-plated shit show on the road!
We open with gratuitous shots of things rich people do in New York (drink wine! drive cars! Statue of Liberty! Who cares!) We see Ramona dancing at a bar bragging about how she’s sexy. She says, “Everything out there is very sexually oriented” which is basically the least sexy way to describe anything sexy ever, but ok, I guess I’ll pretend that I buy that you’re sexy, Ramona.
Shot of Ramona in her bedroom packing for a trip. Ramona says that even though she’s had a child she is still hot AF, and she’s going to prove it by wearing a gramma bathing suit as regular clothes. Her daughter, Avery, looks on in complete disgust as her mother talks about bringing short skirts to the Hamptons (MORE ON THE HAMPTONS LATER).
Avery’s all like, “Mom, why do you even want me in this scene when I’m basically camouflaged into your bed, and I find you to be an existentially, embarrassing troll?”
And Ramona’s all, ‘ARE YOU SPEAKING CHILD? BECAUSE MOMMY CAN’T HEAR YOU WHEN SHE’S TOO BUSY CRUSHING IT IN THIS OUTFIT”
Ramona talks about her career and how she’s some kind of boss lady, and we watch her telling some dudes in a basic office about sending shirts off “overseas” to have labels sewn on, and I can just smell the sweat shop money all over her.
Ramona does some talking head narration about her perfect relationship with her husband Mario, and I totally believe she’s telling the truth based on this very relaxed look on her face:
Or maybe that’s just the botox poisoning talking.
Anyway, shots of Ramona grinding up all on Mario at a party where he looks bemused and only mildly engaged. But forget about all that, and let’s take a moment to appreciate the real hero in this shot:
This patriot, right here.
For about half a second, I ask myself – “Is Mario kind of fly?” And then I stare into his darkened, Darth Vader mouth and I’m like, nah thanks.
Mario pays Ramona some lip service in his talking head about keeping things “zesty” like salad dressing in the bedroom, and Avery looks on like a disappointed Abuela who raised you from birth to be a good person but who still can’t stop you from stealing $600 worth of merch from the Van Nuys Target.
Ramona tells us that Mario owns some third generation business that sells “religious articles”. Mario shows Avery some Angel Bracelets because angels are apparently “really popular right now.” Avery doesn’t laugh though and acts like he’s saying something valid, so I’m just going with it.
Ramona talks about living on the upper East Side and how it’s where good schools are. I don’t care. They show her at her doctor’s office getting a bunch of procedures done so that she can stay youthful forever like a milfy, waspy, soulless vampire.
I want to joke about this, but it’s honestly all very horrifying and sad. Ramona gets a bunch of shit done that I can’t identify by sight and some of it is apparently very painful. I’m all :(.
At the end she and her doctors toast with some champagne. The only thing I can say here is:
Boobies, y’all. Boobies, boobies, boobies! Middle aged boobies ev-er-y-where. I mean, I’m not complaining.
Ramona says that New York is very chic, and everyone aspires to living to New York. False, she’s thinking of Charleston.
Finally, Ramona’s forever long intro is done, and we move on to the one and only, infamous Jill Zarin.
Jill gives some canned lines about the expensive entry into the Manhattan inner circle. Something something something naming a hospital after yourselves. Then they literally give us an entire scene of Jill reading her mail in a limousine. We are just watching a grown person read her mail. It gives Jill a chance to give us exposition about her fabulous life, I guess.
Jill says something about how her social calendar is so full that the conflicts are amazing…Y’all, it’s like I’m watching a Stanley Kubrick film this is so suspenseful.
Then we meet Jill’s husband Bobby, who seems aight and like a good guy. But it’s like, Jill has to fuck this guy, you know? She has to peel off that tan, satiny, rusched gown, struggle out of her undoubtedly medieval level shapewear, and fuck this dude. So. You know.
He owns some kind of long standing fabric store, and they’re all very wealthy, in case you didn’t know already by Jill’s mail.
Jill has a daughter named Allison who seems kinda rad. I like her, she’s into Ripley’s Believe it Or Not, and I can get down with that. Bobby is Allison’s step dad, and they have an awkward relationship.
Jill ALSO lives on the Upper East Side. We hear more about how great it is. Did you know that Bobby and Jill could choose to live anywhere in the world but that they choose to live in New York because they think it’s the center of the Universe just like Portuguese cosmographer Bartolomeu Velho?
Quick cut to Bethenny.
Bethenny is a chef. She helps people get healthy. She wants to be a modern, healthy Martha Stewart. Talking head tells us that Bethenny had a fucking terrible upbringing and that she hasn’t had great luck with relationships. Apparently, Bethenny comes from a long line of horse trainers and grew up at the race track. Wait, huh?
Shots of Bethenny in her kitchen wearing a Kimono by Kara Janx (I DIG!) Her fake tits are ev.er.y.where. She thinks her bald boyfriend Jason is the one (spoiler, he’s ain’t). She wants to be married and have kids, and it’s all so boring I can’t even be bothered.
To be fair, Bethenny truly does comes off as genuine and relatable. And even from these early scenes you can kind of understand how she becomes such a huge fucking super-branded star from this show.
NEXT IS ALEX MCCORD. Omg yas.
Alex lives with her ogre husband Simon. They aren’t just married, guys, they are LUHVERS and FRIENDS. Lots of calories burned here talking about their relashe.
And it’s, like, again.
Alex has to fuck this guy. She has to take off her superfluous belt and shark tooth necklace and do sex with this person. Tough stuff, my friends. Tough stuff. (I’m a terrible person, and I’m going to hell.)
Both Alex and Simon work (he works at a hotel, she does visual merchandising or some shit). And they live in…wait for it.
Oh my god, I just puked in my mouth. Ew, ew, icky gross! So disgusting, Brooklyn.
That’s how they act about Brooklyn throughout the course of this show.
Alex and Simon have kids named Johan and Francois because of course they fucking do and a French au pair who is fucking adorable. The levels of pretentiousness are like a cartoon thermometer about to bust open!
Alex does like twenty seven outfit changes in her scenes.
Alex and Simon walk around! This is actually much more interesting than Jill’s mail, believe it or not.
Finally, we are introduced to one of my all time faves: The Countess. LuAnn.
LuAnn has the voice of the hottest drag queen you will ever meet and talks about being young at heart. She does NOT disappoint in this sequined green tank top that surely every working mother in her forties has just hanging around in her closet.
Chic, c’est la vie. JK, this is horrendous.
The Countess modeled for a while in Milan, as one does, and then married Count Alexander De Lesseps, as one does. Something about the statue of liberty. The Countess, no doubt, also receives a lot of mail.
Shots of the Countess at some kind of event where she accepts some nebulous award and wears a MOTHERFUCKING RUSCHED SATIN GOWN.
Bad Countess, bad!
The Countess stays in Manhattan with her absolutely gorgeous children. They are also packing to “escape” to the Hamptons. Rosanna, LuAnn’s long suffering maid, does literally everything for these spoiled shits while they fuck around and barely act like functioning human beings. That poor (probably underpaid) woman.
The Countess shuttles herself and her kids off to the Hamptons in some swanky SUV.
Ok, back to Bethenny.
In case we didn’t get the narration the first fifty fucking times, Bethenny again describes the good schools in the Upper East Side and the utmost, vital importance of anyone who is worth a fucking cent going to the Hamptons in the summer.
(Can we please vote to make the Hamptons a protected public park or something and get rid of all these rich assholes, for the love of God, Jesus Christ.)
We see Jill and Allison cart themselves off to the Hamptons as well. Jill has a cute dog.
Bethenny calls the Hampton vulgar wealth of “WASPINESS and Jew”. Lol.
Ok, so almost all the ladies are in the Hamptons now. We get it.
Jill is in the Hamptons, ok? We get it.
I am so fucking bored with the Hamptons. I cannot believe there are twenty four minutes left to go.
Jill humblebrags, “Unfortunately, my friends decided to buy in the most expensive community in the United States, and so here we are….child poverty surrounds us everywhere but WHAT CHOICE DO I HAVE BUT TO BUY A TEN MILLION DOLLAR SPARE HOME BECAUSE C’MON GUYS ALL MY FRIENDS LIVE IN THE HAMPTONS HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA I’M GOING TO DIE CLUTCHING HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS TO MY HEART”.
“I’m a disgrace.”
LuAnn and Jill golf together, and they are friends. LuAnn’s bod is baaaaanging in that polo shirt.
Jill and Ramona are “tennis friends.” And it seems like they basically hate each other.
We see probably the one and only black person to ever appear on RHONY, and he’s Jill’s tennis pro.
Ramona is also with a tennis pro. She talks about how he’s fucking foine. But he’s not. He has 70s porn bod, and he’s totally angling for some kind of acting fame from this sad, brief reality tv spot. The whole thing makes me uncomfortable.
“My name is Tim LoBello, and I’m a tennis pro in the Hamptons. By day.”
No joke here; that’s his actual line.
UGH, he’s so gross I feel like I just stepped into BROOKLYN. UGH!
Alright, now we cut back to the pathetic, disgusting wannabe have-nots in Brooklyn (GUH-ROSS, ick, ew, disgusting, I want to set my hair on fire for even thinking about it!), Alex and Simon.
They don’t do the Hamptons in the summer. “Feels too much like work.” Says Simon, but we all know they just can’t afford it. They go to St. Barth’s instead.
Next, we get a million scenes of them packing. Still a better scene than Jill Zarin opening mail.
The Mccords really want their kids to speak French. They speak a bunch of French, and I’m not hating it guys; I’m not hating it.
Then Alex says, “It’s doing your children a disservice if they don’t speak more than one language.” That white people speak. Because you know that’s what she means.
Shots of the fam on the beaches, and this…this is my everything.
I am loving this. Love. Ing. This. 10/10 Would wear both Simon AND Alex’s swimwear here, no bit zone; I am serious. You gotta admit that she is pulling this off, right? You go on with your bad self, gurl.
It’s funny because we cut back to the Hamptons, and in comparison, after seeing St. Barths, the Hamptons looks like a bunch of fat Americans from the Jersey Shore.
The Hamptons? More like the Craptons, amirite Alex and Simon? Amirite!? Oh dear god, there are 16 minutes left of this fucking hot, piling, heap of cultural rubbish. (LOVE YOU, ANDY COHEN).
Ok, scenes of Ramona with other blonde ladies, Mario, and Avery at a pool. I could not possibly care any fucking less. Just not fucking possible.
The only thing of note here is that Ramona turns into a horrifying, demonic Barbie monster and threatens to punt a teeny, tiny defenseless dog into a pool.
A little child, no doubt terrified, chases after her, begging her to stop.
I was legit worried about the dog while watching this. Then again, when you’re rich like Ramona, who needs to value the life of other sentient beings or worry about the suffering surrounding you? There are labels to be sewn on overseas and bags to be packed for the Hamptons.
Back to St. Barths.
Alex and Simon show-off spend at some clothing store. They drink champagne and try on dresses.
Simon evokes the 90s hit Groove is in the Heart by wearing this shirt in his talking head.
I totally believe you get fashion, Simon. Totally.
So does lead Deee-Lite lead singer Lady Miss Kier.
Simon and Alex shop like no one’s watching, and by that I mean, they shop like they know everyone is watching, and they want you to believe they have lots of money and bone all the time.
Simon brags about how awesome Alex looks in clothes. And to be entirely fair and honest, I think of all the housewives, Alex takes the most fashion risks and has the biggest fashion payoffs when she gets it right. She’s got tons of misses too, but let’s all admit that this is on point:
She really does look amazing in this, and I think that even though this dress could pay for thousands of African children to live for an entire year if you would just mail in your monthly donation to sponsor a child for pennies a day right here, that she’s doing the damn thing.
I feel like Alex probably really struggles with her frizzy, dandelion colored hair, but even that is working with this dress.
At the end of the shopping spree, Simon asks, “So, darling are you happy?”
And for a moment, I’m like, that is so fucking sad. Like, we just spent a million dollars on stuff that ultimately won’t matter in the last few hours of our lives on earth but DARLING ARE YOU HAPPY WITH ALL THIS JUNK YOU HAVE NOW? ARE YOU HAPPY? DOES THIS FILL THE BLACK VOID THAT IS YOUR SOCIAL CLIMBING, EMPTY SOUL? DARLING ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?
Back to the Manhattan! Yay! There’s LuAnn, and oh my God, I’m about to lose my mind.
LuAnn buys a puppy for her kids. They want to name it Aston – after Aston Martins. COOL GUYS SO COOL!
LuAnn tries to convince us that she’s going to take care of this dog, along with the kids, but it comes out real fucking quick that once that new puppy sheen wears off they’re just gonna leave it to Rosanna to clean up the dog shit all over the townhouse.
LuAnn’s son is literally like, “Yeah, we will probably be cool with this for a little while, but Rosanna knows her fucking place, and she’s gonna do all the garbage stuff for us while we live off our systemic and inherited privilege and treat living animals and people like objects for our fleeting amusement.”
Can I just say I hated every fucking goddamn, garbage minute of that scene?
Because puppies are just presents that you play with for a while and take no responsibility for!!!! Fun! I love money!
PSA: Don’t shop; adopt.
Ok, I think we are back in the Hamptons, and we’re with Jill’s family. Jill’s gonna send her daughter to a detox center in Martha’s Vineyard. She acts like this is for Ally’s arthritis, but, I’m kind of thinking Jill just thinks Allison is fat. Jill is very clear that it is very, very, very, very expensive. Her mail is really important.
In the kitchen, Allison drinks wine – because she’s 14, but the rules don’t apply to rich people – and talks about how Bobby doesn’t talk to her. It’s kind of depressing actually.
At the end they decide that Bobby will send a private plane to take Allison out to the detox center. They play this off as a touching scene, as Allison thanks Bobby, and I’m just totally dumbfounded.
AND THAT’S IT!
Coming up on this season: White women drink wine and talk shit to each other while on speaker phone!