Ok, back to the pleasure/torture that is Bravo Reality tv.
This episode we are….
Wait for it…
IN THE HAMPTONS
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh x one trillion. I’m feeling very political and socially aware today, so this should be fun for everyone and not at all a tedious slog. Enjoy!
Previously on: LuAnn talks about the Hamptons, Ramona is a domestic terrorist against a small dog, Alex says that her fashion is wearable art (because she and Simon can’t afford actual art), Jill and Ramona are going to have some kind of petty tennis match, and Jill shews her daughter away to a detox center to get less fat.
As if anyone gives a motherfuck.
Shall we begin?!
“To a certain group of people in New York, homeless shelters are everything.”
I never feel guilty about educating people about understanding unfair, white privilege.
New York City is my playground, for making monetary gains off the exploitation of America’s obsession with thinness.
I run with a wasteful circle of people.
I like making my own money, I find that to be the only way I can cope with my inevitable aging and ultimate death.
Hey, wait a second! They didn’t say any of those things!
First scene. Hamptons beach, buppy music and we open with Jill. Jill and Bobby are taking the private plane (as one does) to some fancy shmancy “detox” center for Ally, Jill’s daughter.
Jills, words, “Because we wanted to try alternative medicine regarding her arthritis.” Beat “And about the weight issue, to be honest.” There it is. And then as a total aside, “And just overall health.”
But mostly about the weight issue, right, Jill?
Shot of this expensive car that they drive to the airport.
And then Jill can’t contain her joy over the arrival of Bobby’s plane. She tries to get Ally into the humblebragging, but Ally is so flat and unaffected and unexcited it’s like watching Ben Stein in teenage girl form.
“Oh yeah, only the best for you, baby.” Jill disgustingly says to her daughter to whom she is allegedly supposed to set some kind of good and decent human example for. Jill thinks that if Bobby drops Ally off at this detox center that this will prove that Bobby cares about Ally.
You know what would be easier than spending 5k on a plane and then god knows how much on a bullshit detox center? Just actually talking to her. But what do I know? I’m just a poor who runs in a middle class circle of people.
But Bobby simply cannot be bothered with Ally while he makes every excuse in the book not to spend a single, solitary minute with her.
Jill harangues him to take her school supply shopping, and Bobby’s like, bitch, does my body language look like I want to talk to your soulless, ginger ass right now?
It’s cool. He says he’ll send someone to take her.
I smell a stepfather of the year award!!!!!!
After Bobby bitches that he’s already taken Ally school supplies shopping before so he’s basically done his lifetime duty of obligatory togetherness and shouldn’t have to deal with her anymore, Jill tries to disguise this bald moment of sadness as a joke
But everyone’s face says it all.
They arrive at the center, and it’s as nutso as you’d imagine it would be.
“Enzymes/Soup” Totes norm!
Anyway, you get it. No one loves anyone, and money is the only currency they have to offer each other in lieu of genuine affection or concern.
Oh, it’s Ramona! We’re at her Hamptons’ home, and she’s going to a Missoni fashion show that apparently happens in the Hamptons. Lots of Ramona wearing ill-fitting Missoni proving that money truly can’t buy you class. Avery, as always, is disgusted.
Ramona makes the claim that her daughter is conservative about fashion. I’d make the claim that she’s just a child, and therefore, not interested in being incredibly sexualized via fashion.
Ramona tries on this Missoni ensemble. Yo-boy. This really was a sad time in fashion for women when we wore shirts that cut our bodies right in the middle.
Then, “option” number two:
It’s like wearing low lights but for your boobs! A real sad time for women’s fashion, guys. Real sad.
Avery says, “It’s disgusting.” Ugh, what a slut shaming hag. JK! She’s a child.
Omg, back to Jill again. She’s in her Hamptons closet with some other lady trying to make sure she doesn’t wear something too Pucci for Missoni.
You know, that very real problem that most of us face on the daily.
Jill’s friend Marilyn helps her pick out a real basic-bitch circa 2008, probably made out of viscose and rayon, type dress to wear, and then Jill thanks her sovereign God, Spanx.
The word fabulous gets bandied about so many times that it ceases to mean what it means anymore, and I fall into deep, existential contemplation over the general, human condition.
This is the first fashion show of the season.
Back to Ramona. Ramona hides her low-light boob top in her purse when she leaves with Mario so that Avery doesn’t know Ramona plans on wearing it. Hijinks!
We arrive at the W Hotel’s Beach House where this alleged fashion show takes place.
Super cool shots of people dressed up, lights, bartenders pouring martinis, and this lady’s lumpy, be-wedgied butt:
Jill plugs the hotel, and Jill and Ramona fake kiss each other hello while Jill talks hella passive aggressive shit about Ramona.
The fashion show begins. It’s ugly garbage.
Jill waxes poetic about liking getting her picture taken.
“Who doesn’t like opening up a magazine and seeing their picture?” She asks to presumably no one since virtually no person can relate to that.
And then she literally hunts down a photographer to take her picture.
“The editors use my pictures a lot recently. And I’m not sure why. I’m so flattered and thrilled. I love it.”
Oh, you’re not sure why?
If only we could warn sweet season one Jill Zarin of what’s to come for her and her sad, fall from Bravo grace. Fly away little fame-glutton! Fly away!
Back to Ramona. Wow, Bravo really set these two up to be the center point of the show early on! And Ramona’s 150% less ape-shit fucking bonkers crazy in season one. But also, it’s all really benign and boring. I really wish she’d throw a glass in someone’s face for splashing her.
A young woman hits on Mario at the fashion show, and Ramona discovers that Mario has neglected to wear his wedding ring.
That girl be like, “There’s no way I’ll ever regret signing this waiver to show my face!”
Ok, finally done with that mess.
Bravo lets us know that we are now in Southhampton, NY which means literally nothing to me.
Oh yay! It’s LuAnn. Finally, let’s make some screen time for a real kween and not these Long Island biddies.
Aannnnnd, she’s at a horseshow. Sigh.
(Hey, hey, hey, here’s a question for you: what’s more exciting than a horseshow?
The answer is: having a secret one night stand with a Johnny Depp look alike in St. Barths.
Other correct answers include: FUCKING EVERYTHING)
LuAnn’s gorgeous daughter rides horses competitively – because of course she does.
LUANN’S HEADWRAP LOOKS TOO PUCCI FOR THE MISSONI SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LuAnn and her (then) husband Alex have some super stimulating convo about where to watch. She’s like, “This side?” And he’s like, “That side?” And she’s like, “Ok, this side?” And he’s like, “I obvs don’t get how reality tv shows work.”
Blah, blah, everyone’s there to watch Victoria jumping horses.
Ok, so I guess Ramona is attending too? Out of nowhere Ramona shows up.
Ramona plays it off like she randomly ran into LuAnn at the horse show.
Ramona says that she would like to get to know LuAnn better, but then LuAnn absolutely slays Ramona in her confessional wearing this low cut halter Susanna Monaco sundress that I also happen to own:
LuAnn gives the greatest, condescending talking heads. I’ll just give it all to you here. It’s deserving of its own block quote.
“I was surprised to see Ramona at the horse show because, you know, I didn’t know she was a fan of, you know, the “horse world” [does actual air quotes], let’s put it that way. And Ramona looked great, she had this big hat on and her dress…I think she thought it was like a big tent day. You know, where you get all dolled up and you go out there and it’s all about the hat, and dress. You know this day was really all about…the show. And jumping.”
END SLAY RAMONA DOWN
LuAnn went from compliment to insult in less than sixty.
LuAnn schools Ramona on horse show shit. It’s hella boring, but LuAnn is such an exasperated bitch and Ramona is such a pathetisad try hard!
Victoria wins an award or some shit.
Jill shows up looking cleaved out to the max.
Jill and LuAnn are friends, and they met at a Michael Moore screening.
Ramona and Jill fake kiss and talk about their upcoming tennis match. The producers are really building to this tennis match and trying to make this a thing, and I don’t want to totally ruin this moment: but spoilers, friends, it’s not even a thing. But more on that later.
End horse show. Fucking finally. LuAnn, you’ve betrayed me.
OH NEXT IS ALEX. Alex has become my hero this season so far in terms of interest. Let’s see if she delivers.
Well, wearing this outfit is a good start.
Never too early in the day to whip out your go-to jean vest.
Alex and Simon are starving, dahlings. They are headed to dinner. They are still in St. Barths? I honestly don’t know, but they must be because of the easy breezy muzak.
Alex talks about leaving her dumb kids with their French au pair so they can get drunk at restaurants and bang later.
Simon tries to make us believe (again) that he and Alex don’t do the Hamptons because it “feels like work.” And I’m like GET RID OF YOUR FACIAL HAIR.
AHAHAHA SO IN LOVE
Alex and Simon humblebrag nonstop about their LUHVE. THEY GET CLOSER AND CLOSER IF THAT’S EVEN POSSIBLE!
They eat and compliment each other like SHMOOPY WOOMPY BOOMPY DOOMPY I WUV U.
But before it ends, Alex gets a dig in about how easy it was for her to get preggers with her kids.
OH HAI IT’S BETHENNY!
OH NO THAT DRESS IS TOO PUCCI FOR A MISSONI SHOW NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Sorry about all the caps lock. This eppy is so boring I need something to wake me up. This eppy is the opposite of woke.
Anyway, Bethenny is going to some charity event for her boyfriend’s (forgot his name already) sister who has a debilitating disease.
Bethenny is donating cooking lessons for an auction for the charity.
Bethenny needs a serious relationship, she says every other nanosecond.
Bethenny wears this to the event. She’s pulling it off, methinks.
They go to the event.
Bethenny’s boyfriend’s name is Jason. (SO BASIC).
A friend of theirs buys Bethenny’s aspartame-based cooking lessons (yay skinny!) for a few grand. End scene.
These were real dark days as far as housewife intrigue goes. I mean, it’s good they raised money for a charity, so I suppose there is that……………………………………
Bippity boppity music plays, and there’s Ramona in a kitchen! She’s planning a “mom” get together with a chef to have a cooking class or some shit.
LuAnn is there, but BELIEVE, she doesn’t want to be.
“What am I doing in a fucking kitchen?” – LuAnn’s thoughts.
“There’s nothing worse than eight women learning how to cook.” LuAnn’s actual words that she says to the actual chef.
“Come cook in my kitchen while I wear this bedazzled shirt in a manic stupor!”
But LuAnn isn’t having any of it and she, instead, tells the ladies that she will “supervise.”
Power. Fucking. Move.
Some manufactured shit goes down because LuAnn finds out Jill wasn’t invited to the cooking classes that LuAnn would rather slit her wrists than attend.
LuAnn leaves in, like, one second.
No surprise, but back to Jill.
She says: “So I have this gay husband named Brad.”
And just. No. Fucking no. No. Fuck. No, shut up forever.
I’m trying to get this recap done because it’s become a literal fucking never ending story but outfit, guys.
Jill finds out that Ramona didn’t invite her to the cooking class. Jill gets unreasonably mad about this. Total manufactured tension.
Jill describes herself as being “upset” and “hurt”. I think, at this juncture in the show, Jill is upset because she knows not being invited means less camera time, and she’s like momma needs her fifteen minutes. Also, the producers need Jill to have something against Ramona so we feel that the stakes are raised for the tennis match coming up.
Jill and LuAnn talk some coded shit together about Ramona and this dumb cooking class event. Jill randomly says they should “do a drive by”. Out of context.
Jill gets very revenge oriented suddenly.
Ok, Jill, Jill, Jill. On to Bethenny again!
Bethenny meets with her “Business Associate”. For what business that even is at this point, I’m not entirely sure.
She describes him thusly: “A person I work with. We collaborate on a lot of different projects.”
Oh, totally not vague at all.
I don’t know. They have some meeting. Bethenny brings cookies. Names are dropped: Dennis Leary. Buzz words are tossed around: brand, demarketize.
Bethenny wants it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A modern day Mary fucking Tyler fucking Moore.
Ok, swing back to the Southhamptons. The two main bishes Jill and LuAnn meet to talk some mad trash. The word fabulous is used, and Jill frets about her dress.
OH NO YOUR DRESS IS TOO PUCCI FOR MISSONI NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
The whole point of this restaurant scene is to up the ante of competition between Jill and Ramona. Jill calls Ramona a liar about the cooking party. This is so laughably unimportant.
LuAnn agrees to be Ramona’s tennis partner against Ramona and someone else.
You know LuAnn is gonna fucking destroy every bitch in a tennis skirt at that match.
Back to Jill’s house in the Hamptons. Ally is returning from her “holistic detox center.” Jill’s psyched because Ally lost eleven pounds while there (IN 8 FUCKING DAYS).
And then there is incessant talk about how Ally’s stomach is flatter.
Look, I get it. We all have body image issues. But to put all this on tv when your daughter is a teenager at such a very, very vulnerable time in her life? It’s making me sad for Ally.
“My first impression when I saw Allison was that her stomach was flat. Completely flat.” Says Jill.
K, enough of this scene. You get it.
Back to the Southhamptons. It’s Real Housewives and tennis time! Real Housewives and tennis time! Now where they at where they at where they at where they at now there they go there they go there they go.
Jill shows up in a yellow Ferrari for the tennis match. Ramona warms up with her double’s partner Missy.
Ramona’s just trying to live her best lyfe, guys.
Missy is good at tennis. Jill thinks they don’t have a shot at winning because Missy is so good at tennis. STAKES!
Bethenny shows up to be a part of the cheering section. Jill brings her own cheering section to use as an intimidation factor against Ramona. It’s like Sun Tzu over here.
OH NO WE’RE ALL DRESSED TOO PUCCI FOR THE MISSONI SHOW NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Ok, I’ve got to level with everyone here. This episode is FUCKING. AWFUL. And this recap is going on 25 Microsoft Word pages in Calibri 11 pt. font. So, Imma let me finish but first I’m gonna say that nothing happens here.
Ramona fucks up wildly and gets in her own head about the tennis match. LuAnn wins as usual. Jill is a smug bish about the whole thing. We learn that Mario is a tennis pro? (Unverified.)
THE MOTHERFUCKING END. This was longer than my senior thesis paper in college, basically.
Let’s fini on this talking head shot of the Countess in an off the shoulder boho-pirate inspired chemise.
Coming up on this season: White women drink wine and talk shit to each other while on speaker phone!