Gone for a minute now we’re back again?
Back to back, back to break backs again?
Quoting Ludacris lyrics?
Cue new iphone 10 updates fireworks screen!!!
Cue a hundred and one shooting star emojis!!!
Cue me, stuffing my face with somebody’s leftover gingersnaps in the shape of a Star of David!!!
We’re back you horrible fucking motherfuckers! We. Are. Back.
Oh, I’m sorry, I called you horrible; that was QUITE rude of me. But you all collectively deserve it. Because the last time I was here, I was writing a fucking think piece (albeit a sloppily done, nonresearched one) about why we should all vote for FUCKING MODERN DAY BEN AND JERRIES FLAVOR WHERE IS HE NOW BERNIE SANDERS in the presidential primaries. And now, you motherfuckers, now here we are, sitting on the precipice of a fucking DONALD TRUMP presidential administration.
Just fucking eat rocks.
But you know what, besides all that, let me *record scratch sound* rewind a bit smack into the in between time and catch y’all up as far as politics are concerned:
- We, as a team at notbehind you, after said sad, little Bernie Sanders think piece, came to our senses and did indeed rally for the baddest bitch of bad bitches Hillary Clinton.
- We also still like Bernie.
- We don’t think he would’ve won against DTrump.
- We don’t care that you, Mr. Ethically Pure White Male, couldn’t bring your delicate little man hands to fill in a dark bubble for one nasty, nasty woman Hillary Clinton.
- We do hate you, go fuck yourself.
Phew! Ok, now that I got the political babble out of the way, let’s get to the real bidnass. This site business. The business of two modern day, child free women in their thirties just wearing day-time sequins as best they can, trying to write some shit into the abyss of the internet in the hopes that one or two people will come and rescue them from the relative obscurity of their own sad, sad, mildly talented (or completely untalented according to most their friends who can’t be bothered to even fucking read) writing.
So, Rachel and I have hung on to notbehindyou for the past year. We’ve silently sat in the background and talked about it via fb chat in furrowed little bursts of discussion.
“You know what we should do?” Rachel would chat.
“Eat gingersnaps made in the Star of David until we yarf?” I might respond.
“No, you stupid, stupid bitch.” Rachel might reply. “We should write.”
“Ooooooh yeah.” I’d probs say eating crumbs out of my bra. “Wrriiiiiiittteee.”
And then we’d promptly do absolutely FUCKING NOTHING.
Because, in case you were unaware: WRITING IS FUCKING HARD.
And in case you were also unaware: WHEN NO ONE READS YOUR WRITING, IT MAKES YOU WANT TO DIE INSIDE.
Because then I’d write a deeply personal, emotionally charged first person narrative about how my absentee grandfather catalyzed my feminist thinking and literally not a goddamn soul in the entire world would give a shit.
And then I’d go and read an XOjane article (RIP) about getting a cat hairball lodged in your vag, and it’d have 3000 comments and I’d think to myself,
And then I’d read a friend’s facebook blog post about how she loves one or more of the following things: a. Jesus b. Mission Trips c. her hubby d. Paleo d1. Food Prep and it’d have like 10,000 likes and a million views and a reader proclaiming that this writing has changed his/her life could this writer please write a book and I’d literally want to sacrifice myself to the God of….
Whatever god is in charge of writing.
But, I digress. As I’m wont to do.
Because none of that matters.
Because all that matters now is that Donald Trump is our unthinkable President Elect, and that now more than ever, a fiery cunt like me needs to spew out some words as best I can.
It doesn’t matter who reads it.
It doesn’t matter what it actually says.
It just matters that it exists. That it makes some noise. That it disrupts the cosmological ether in some way, shape, or form.
So, I suppose, you can call it a comeback.
A comeback to a slight, practically nonexistent audience by two lady people just trying to make something – anything – not suck in this world.
And with that, we’ll catch you round you horrible, terrible, awful motherfuckers. God we hate all of you so much.