I’m not a “doing” kind of person. In fact, I’m an actively aggressive “not-doing” kind of person and my not-doing stuff strategy is elaborate. I’m the kind of person who writes a “to-do” list that looks like this:
- Clean entire house.
- Write novel.
- Don’t let your dreams be dreams
- Juice fast
- Take vitamins
This kind of “to-do” list is an amalgamation of a non-doers dream: vague in direction, grandiose in ambition, and enormous in scope. It’s a dead battery before you even put the keys in the ignition due to its complete obstacle-laden but also non-starter nature, so, like, why even start, man when 10 Things I Hate About You is on Hulu this month?
Clean entire house?! Yeah, sure. Starting with what? The whole thing?
Write novel? I’ve spent almost three decades of my life with this task on my to-do list…you’d think at some point I’d run out of AIM/Myspace/Facebook/IG updates to post and actually try my hand at it, but, alas, it’s better to just keep it on there indefinitely and let my dreams be dreams instead (number 3, you really know what’s up.)
(Side note, I did once write about 30,000 words of a novel and posted part of it to the Destructive Reader subreddit for critique. First critique comment literally said, “This is the worst thing I’ve ever read.”)
And take vitamins? I’m sorry, but that is disgusting. Never gonna do it, so “Take Vitamins” #5 shall remain resolutely on my “to-do” list for the rest of eternity.
Do I even need to mention, “Juice Fast”? LOL.
That’s what to-do means to me now. It’s “to-do” in scare quotes because it’s basically a punchline to the joke that is my life.
Here’s what my To Do List should actually look like:
- Secretly buy candy from Publix
- Store secret candy in center console of vehicle.
- Eat most of secret candy in car while driving like a maniac late to an appointment
- Forget about secret candy wrapper for 4 years in center console of vehicle.
- Find secret candy wrapper 4 years later and still neglect to discard trash.
- Allow boyfriend to find secret candy wrapper, and finally remove item from vehicle.
- Buy new car
Now that, is a to-do list a girl can get behind.