THE BASICS: Fun with Surveys

I wrote about Livejournal before, but like a bad train vs. car accident, I can’t leave it alone. When I was researching my last LJ post, I noticed that among all the song lyrics and paragraphs describing in vague detail my misguided romantic conquests, there were surveys. I estimate that between 2002 and 2005 approximately 79.3% of all blog posts were cleverly filled-out surveys. People tried to bridge that shit over to Facebook, but when they realized that no one actually read the Notes section, it died down.

When we filled them out, it was like we were being interviewed by someone who was VERY interested and obsessed with our lives. And when you think about it, isn’t that all we want? For someone to be interested? And possibly obsessed?

I read a few I had posted and while some of the answers seemed familiar (I was pretty fucking witty for a 19 year old), a lot of them were written by someone I don’t really remember. So for fun (and hopefully your entertainment), I decided to fill one out as a charming, independent, and slightly neurotic 32 year old. Of course I’ll keep my original answers there, and I PROMISE NOT TO DELETE OR CHANGE THEM NO MATTER HOW EMBARRASSING THEY ARE.


Original and new answers will be divided by ///. New answers will be in blue.


First off, what’s your name? Rachel///Rachel

Why did your parents name you that, and do you wish they hadn’t? I’m not sure where they got it. I really like my name. It’s familiar, but not a lot of people have it.///I still don’t know where it came from, and I still really love my name.

How old are you? 20///32

How old are you emotionally? (As in, do you think you handle your emotions pretty well and have sorted through most of them) How about mentally? Emotionally, probably about 35. Mentally? It really depends…when it comes to money, probably about 12. When it comes to life, probably about…45. Though I’m sure there are 45 year olds that have the mentality of a 12 year old. Let’s just say I’m old for my age.///I’m pretty average, I think. But there are always exceptions to the average.


Let’s get this one over with- have you ever even had sex before? Nope///Yes

If you’re a virgin, do you plan on having sex before you get married? Why or why not? Yeah, I do, but honestly, it’s not at the top of my list of things to do.///I think waiting until you’re married does 100% more harm than good. Sexual maturity is part of knowing yourself, and knowing yourself contributes to a happy marriage. I think?

Are you straight, bisexual, gay, or lesbian? Have you ever questioned whether you really are this way? No, not really. I’m straight. I can’t stand girls. Seriously.///Sexuality is fluid, even for the “straightest” or “gayest” people out there. Also my whole “I can’t stand girls” thing comes from a place of insecurity, which makes me sad now.

Do you feel comfortable talking about sexual things or uncomfortable? Eh, it depends on what it is and who I’m talking to.///Contrary to popular belief, it doesn’t bother me. 

Do you feel comfortable talking about sexual things regarding your own experiences, what turns you on, etc.? As I said, it depends on who I’m talking to.///I have to agree with my previous answer. What’s the context? Am I sharing with my gurlfrands, or a potential partner? It’s all circumstantial.

Do you, or have you ever masturbated? Do you think it’s okay for members of the sex opposite your own to masturbate and why or why not? See, this is an unfair question..if I said yes, you’d think I’m weird, but if I said no, you’d think I’m lying. So I just won’t answer either way. People can masturbate, sure. Who am I to say they can’t?///Anyone who answers “no” to either of these questions needs to woke the fuck up. (Is that how you say it? “Woke the fuck up”?)

On a scale of 1-10, one being the least, and ten being the most, how perverted do you feel you are? 4-5, maybe. I joke around a lot, I think.///I’m reading this as “How perverted do you feel when you embrace your sexuality and take a sex-positive stance because OMGZ THAT IS TOTALLY PERVERTED EW”. Fuck you, perversion is reserved for actual perverts.

If you’re a teenager, are your hormones making you undoubtedly horny? I’m not a teenager. (it feels good to say that, haha)///I’m not a teenager (and sometimes I’m sad that I’m not anymore).

Have you ever had a sexual dream before, or “wet dream?” Feel free to describe. Who hasn’t?///I had one one time that involved Jim Carey. Thank god it was “Eternal Sunshine” Jim Carey and not “The Mask” Jim Carey.

What do you think of pornography? Have you ever seen it? Yes, I’ve seen porn, and really, it looks like an easy way to make good money. /// I am pro-ethical porn. I support sex workers of all kinds. 

Do you have any fetishes or things that automatically start to turn you on? If so, what are they? Nah, I don’t think so. /// Of course I do. Everyone does. 

Are you flexible, or do flexible people turn you on? (If you don’t understand how this question is sexual you probably never will.) Haha…I really don’t have an opinion./// No, I’m not overly flexible, and flexibility is not something that I look for in a potential mate.

How do sex scenes in movies make you feel? Disgusted? Hot? Elaborate. It depends on what they are. Certain makeout scenes can be way hotter than sex scenes. /// It’s all art. Though sometimes they add NOTHING to the plot and I’m like “but why tho”.

Did you lie on, or avoid answering any of the above questions? Not really, only one.///Nope


Do you believe in love as a concept? Why or why not? Yes, love is a great thing. Most of the time.///LOVE IS AMAZING AND ANYONE WHO DOESN’T THINK SO SUCKS.

Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend? If so, who? Not currently.///Nope

Do you love them? Why or why not? n/a///n/a

How long have you been together? n/a///n/a

If you answered no to the first question in this section, do you have a crush? Eh…///No, and life is SO BORING when there’s nothing on the horizon. 

Do you love them? I’m leaving this one alone.///[dies from boredom and lack of loving a crush]

On a scale of 1-10, one being the least and ten being the most, how important is your boyfriend, girlfriend, or crush to you? As I said above..no comment.///YOU’RE KILLIN ME SMALLS.

On a scale of 1-10, how important is the way your boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s/crush’s family feel about you to you? Well, I would want my boyfriend’s family to like me.///It would be important for me to be well liked.

If you family hated your crush, boyfriend, or girlfriend, would you still go out with them? Why? I would definately consider why my family didn’t like them, because I trust them.///I tried this, and it doesn’t work. They have to at least like them a little bit.

DOES your family hate your crush, boyfriend, or girlfriend? I don’t know///UGH. SO BORED.

Are you physically attracted to your crush, boyfriend, or girlfriend? Why or why not? Well yeah, I would think you would have to be///Always.

How do you know when you love someone? You just know.///You just know.



Do you have any diagnosed mental disorders? If so, what? Nope, none diagnosed. Hahaha…///Nothing professionally diagnosed

Do you have any undiagnosed mental disorders? If so, what? I answered the question above without reading this one, haha. No, I don’t think I do…I get pretty OCD about some things, but I call them “quirks”.///I have anxiety issues that come and go. They can be pretty severe, but I get through it. Also I hate that I used “OCD” as an adjective. That’s insensitive and ridiculous. (Though for the record I did have several OCD-like rituals I used as coping methods when I was a kid).

If you do in fact have a diagnosed or even undiagnosed mental disorder, describe what it feels like and/or your personal experiences with it. Like, if I’m at work, and I have to call someone, I need to have what I’m going to say prepared, word for word, in my head before I pick up the phone. Also, when I’m cooking, I cannot use the same utensil on cooked meat that I used on it raw. I wash my hands obsessively when I’m cooking with eggs or raw meat.///My anxiety usually centers around change. If there’s a lot of uncertainty I tend to lose my grip on reality. Also things (like talking on the phone and drive-thrus) make me anxious. Not funny anxious, but like my heart races and I break out in hives.

Have you ever been to a therapist, psychiatrist, or psychologist before? If so, were they helpful to you? Sorta…but it wasn’t for me. Family therapist and all that jazz.///I’ve thought about it, but I don’t think I’m at a point where it would be beneficial.

Do you think your dreams are a window into your soul? Or do they have any significance at all? They do mean something///I firmly believe there’s meaning in dreams.

How would you describe yourself mentally and psychologically? Very very very strong. I’ve been through hell and back again, then back to hell, and back here, then maybe like, halfway there, then back, and I’m doing just fine. I freak out every once in a while, but all things considered…///Still very very very strong. I went through a depression thing last year and this year I’m dealing with anxiety but my core is rock-solid.

Do you feel insecure with your own person? Have a self-esteem problem? If so, why do you think you do? Yeah, I do…on some things. When it comes to relationships, I’m insecure. To a point. I just wonder if I make the same impact on people like they make on me. And I can stick up for myself. But that has changed, sorta.///I’m waaaaaaaaaaaaay more secure than I ever have been. WAY MORE. 


What religion or system of beliefs, if any, do you subscribe to? Woah…that’s a loaded question. I would say that I’m a mixture of Christianity, Buddhism, Taoism, and Judaism. Like..I don’t know. Scratch that. Okay, to sum it up…I believe in God. Jesus was a political radical…I would even call him the first Hippie. He had a good message, and just wanted people to love each other. The Bible is a book of stories written by some guys to scare people into following what they thought was the Way. You can learn a lot from the Bible, it has some good things in it, but it should NOT be taken literally. The Bible is not a weapon, it is a great work of literature. I’ve learned a lot about how to live my life from Buddhism and Taoism. I’m much more calm and understanding….uh…See? I could go on…I’m stopping here. Oh, and I’m only Jewish because the internet told me I was.///I’m agnostic. I subscribe to no religion. Though I believe there are things that happen that are rooted in something we will never understand.

What do you think about non-mainstream religions? (Wicca, Hiduism, etc.?) Whatever floats your boat. I absolutely love the fact that my close friends have a different religion than me, different views, and everything, and we can still be so close. It’s all about respect. /// Whatever works for you, brochacho. Though I did see a documentary about people who worship weed and I don’t know if I can get behind that (the religious part, I mean.)

Have you ever tried to convert someone to your own religion? Why or why not? No. I think that is so wrong. I think THAT should be considered a sin. You should let people believe what they want, as long as they aren’t like, ya know…killing chickens or something.///I like to believe people are drawn to agnosticism naturally.

What is your overall opinion of televangelists? Horrible, horrible people. But then again…who am I to say that they’re wrong? But honestly, anyone with a good heart can see that they are horrid. My Senior research paper was on religious exploitation in America. I should know.///Still horrible people, but so fucking awesome to watch. JUCE is one of my favorite channels.


Is music important to you? Why or why not? Yes, extremely. Music has been a major part of my life since I was little.///Same.

Do you sing? If so, do you sing well? Not like, a lot, but I can carry a tune.///Only when I’m drunk.

What do you think of Eminem? I respect him, honestly.///WHAT IS THIS, 2004? Oh wait…

Now for the lightning round. Do you like…

Pop music: Depends…///Some of it, of course. Demi Lovato is love.

Rock music: Yes!!///LOLZZ.


Hip-Hop/R&B: Ew.///Ew? Really 20 yr old me? REALLY? You sicken me.

Country: Ew.///I have utilized Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats” a few times because when you’ve been cheated on there are a few acceptable choices for your soundtrack.

What is one band/singer you absolutely love that no one else does or seems to have heard about? See, this usually happens to me..I like a band, everyone either has no idea what I’m talking about, or hates it, then 6 months later, everyone knows about them AND likes them. Fuck that dude.///How indie of me. Also Mother Falcon.

Pick up the nearest CD to you and write a random song lyric from it. The Best of the Doors, “Break on Through”: “Ya know the day destroys the night…night divides the day…try to run, try to hide…”///CDS are packed away, but after that hip-hop question I have Kenrick Lamar in my head, so here you go: “All my life I want money and power, respect my mind or die from lead shower. I pray my dick get big as the Eiffel Tower, so I can fuck the world for 72 hours.” You’re welcome.


What is your favorite tv show? Hmm…ER, Scrubs, Family Guy///Bob’s Burgers, Homeland, Cyberwar, The Walking Dead, Portlandia, It’s Always Sunny, Mr. Robot, Archer, and many others because TV is love.

What is your favorite movie? Too many to name. Trust me.///Yeah, this question is ridiculous.

If someone made a movie about your life, do you think anyone would want to see it? Sure///Psh…of course they would.

What is your favorite TV character? I love Karen on Will and Grace, haha.///Tina Belcher, Charlie Kelly, Negan. 

What is your favorite movie character? Amelie…maybe.///Amelie lolllllzzzz…though honestly her misanthropic ways are 100% endearing.

Favorite actor? Right now…I love Jude Law. Johnny Depp is awesome…um…there are a lot.///DEFINITELY NOT JOHNNY DEPP. I’d say Jon Hamm but he hasn’t done much lately and honestly I just want to bone him.

Favorite actress? I like Renee Zellweger, Scarlett Johansen…uh….///I don’t know how I did these surveys back in the day because I am completely over this.


What is your stance on abortion? I lean toward pro-choice. It’s not birth control though.///What a fucking stupid thing to say you 20 yr old idiot. I am 100% pro-choice and will fight to keep abortion legal.

What is your opinion on gay people being allowed to get married? I am 100% for it. Marriage is about love, not about the Bible.///If you AREN’T supportive of it you aren’t fully human.

What is your opinion on gay couple adopting? Most gay couples are more capable than straight couples.///See above.

Do you have a political party affiliation? If so, what and why? Democratic…I would say. I’m really liberal.///Democrat. Liberal. Progressive. Feminist.

What do you think about sex before marriage? I’m all for it, if you know what you’re doing.///“If you know what you’re doing”…what a bitch. Yes. I am pro-sex before marriage. I am pro-sex whenever you’re ready. 

Tell us one thing you’re pretty sure no one knows about. I really like that Ashlee Simpson song “Pieces of Me” Sssshhh…don’t tell anyone, hahaha.///I still like that song. 



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