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Rogue One Run Down From a Casual Star Wars Fan

***SPOILERS AHEAD***

Hi everyone!  It’s every nerdy, white dude’s fave person checking in: a supes casual female Star Wars Fan giving her out-loud opinion about a Star Wars film!

Welcome,  y’all.  I just saw Rogue One in the movie theatre, and now I’m here to give my mostly uniformed, mildly uneducated first impressions.

Hurray!

(Come for me white boys.)

Before we begin, a quick rundown of my relationship to Star Wars past to present:

The 80s-early 90:

Han Solo giving me surprising, special feelings in my down below parts ❤ ❤ ❤

Leia Buns

I don’t know the names of any of these ships and/or planets.

Super glad Chewy didn’t die.

OMG EWOKS I can haz?

1999-2005

Wait, what???  Huh??? Who???  CGI???

2015

Oh, look a girl and a black guy.  Didn’t see that coming.

And this brings us to….

Today, 2017:

Rogue One.

Let me say y’all, I found this movie not only boring and predictable but, somehow also profoundly confusing.

And still.  I kinda liked it.

My thoughts as follows, partially in picture form:

The Good:

chirrut-imwe

Here for it.

Although verging on Mortal Kombat characterization, Chirrut Imwe was, in my opinion, far and away the only scene stealing character of this entire movie.  Of course he was unceremoniously killed at the end.  Weirdly, the movie gives his death virtually no due, almost like the producers of this film gave so few fucks that they couldn’t even bother to pretend that they had created enough emotional depth within the characters that an audience member might care at all when that character kicked the can. It was like a big shrug in our direction, “C’mooooon, what’d you expect?  An interesting character?  No, no, we had to get rid of that character.  Here, spend more time with these other boring characters instead because we’ve got a million and one more sequels to shit out.”

diego_luna_as_cassian_andor-rogue_one_2016

Here for it.

And, tbh, this Cassian Andor was boring for me too.  But love the representation of a male lead with his actual Mexican accent.  Also, the actor himself was giving me some serious face, so I can’t hate.

rogue-one-baze-malbus-jiang-wen

Here for it.

Also here for Baze Malbus, although another completely unceremonious death.

saw_gerrera

Here for it, but confused by it.

And here comes the unfathomable Saw Gerrera.  They emphatically said his name so many times that even I remembered it without a Wikipedia reminder.  But what actual purpose he served in the movie?  Well, your guess is as good as mine because I have literally no idea.

The Bad:

Just picture a bunch of dudes in all places and everywhere and, furthermore, indistinguishable white guys dressed as things like “admirals” or “captains.”  Points anytime a lady extra shows up during war time strategy meetings with a serious look on her face.

Only, like, five women’s speaking roles.

And only one or two women actively doing something more than just standing there or providing an expositional war time speech via roundtable meetings.

The Female:

felicity_jones_as_jyn_erso_2016

I know, UGH, another woman type human showing up in our dicks-only Star Wars canon. But it’s fine because her mom dies right away and its basically just this one chick the whole time (save a few others inoffensively  sprinkled in) so you won’t run the risk of confusing her annoyingly high pitched lady voice with other annoyingly high pitched lady voices.

Plus, she’s hot but not hot enough that you’d call her a whore or tip off female viewers to the fact that she still conveniently fulfills the role of approachable sex object/token for viewing dudes everywhere, right?!  Amazing.

The Specifically Male Gazey:

 

Do you notice a pattern?

The Foxy:

diego-luna

Just thought it was worth mentioning because lady’s gotta gaze too.  Also, his name is Diego Luna.  Like, brah, did your name come straight out of the pages of a romance novel where you are the protagonist’s dark and dangerous love interest with a secret heart of gold…. or nah?

The Trying Too Hard:

alan_tudyk_as_k-2so-rogue_one_2016

Voiced by Alan Tudyk, this droid was meant to provide some quippy comic relief but just felt soullessly thunky and painfully cringy to me.

But the seven white dudes in the theater laughed at all his jokes so I’m probably just a silly, little dumb dumb who doesn’t understand humor. #bitterbitch

(They confoundingly gave the audience more time to mourn for this character’s death than any other character in the movie, and, yet, I felt nothing at all.  This coming from a person who cries at every single 20 second clip circulating facebook from the Dodo.)

The Somethings Never Change:

See: still most dudes errywhere.

See: women still mostly doing nothing, with rare exception.

See:  the same female character over and over again.

See: so much sanitized violence and war strategy that death and destruction actually become boring and meaningless.

The Incomprehensible:

What the fuck planet are we even on?

Palm trees?

Ocean?

The fuck?

Who’s ship is that?!

The Conclusion:

Goddamn, we miss you Carrie Fisher.

 

 

 

 

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