Behind You / Casual / Living / Not Behind You / Random Musings / Uncategorized

The NBY Girls Invite You to Indulge in Their Private Tête-à-tête

Rachel

Ok. I am here, and I am salty as hell because I woke up weird.

Kat

Use it. Live it.

Rachel

Oh I will. I am in bitch mode.

Kat

I love bitch mode. Some might say it’s my only mode.

Rachel

OK LETS TALK WHATS THE TOPIC

Kat

YOU READ MY MIND

Rachel

PLS NOT TRUMP

I CANT TAKE TRUMP TONIGHT

Kat

Honestly, I don’t even have anything to say about him most of the time.

Like what’s left to say?

Or, more like, there is an infinite amount of things to say. It’s exhausting.

Rachel

I have many things to say but I can’t say them out loud because this is 1984 and the thought police will come and get me

Kat

You ain’t wrong.

Ok, are you watching or reading anything really, really good right now?

Rachel

It’s Always Sunny and Homeland starts this sunday

Kat

I just wrote about Glenn Howerton in my Mindy Project post.

It’s amazing how I think he’s disgustagross in IAS, but they made him supes hot in the Mindy Project. Like magic.

Rachel

what did you say because i haven’t read your post yet BUT IT WAS UP ON MY SCREEN WHEN I WAS AT LUNCH I JUST GOT SIDETRACKED

disgustagross

100% love

that

word

also tell me your thoughts on Glenn Howerton in IAS

Kat

I just posted a sexy Mindy Project gif of him and talked about how he has beautiful eyes.

Ok, so I haven’t watched IAS in a many years. Are you still interested in my thoughts?

Rachel

yes because i have watched all the seasons several times over throughout the past year and a half

Kat

Ok, it basically boils down to this for me. It’s Always Sunny is just set on ruining it’s characters like in a really thorough way, so it proves to me that personality and presentation matter over physical looks sometimes. Because I think of none of the Always Sunny folks in a sexual context because I find them all so rightfully disgusting.

Kat

But as soon as Glenn showed up on Mindy’s show, I was like – WHO THE FUCK IS THAT GUY???

Which is WHY we should all be watching the Mindy Project because that show knocks it out of the park when it comes to making every dude look sexy.

Rachel

Okay this is very very strange because I had the SAME THING happen with me and Charlie Day

Kat

YES! He’s a great example of that. Please elaborate.

Rachel

Charlie Day in that one movie where he was the scientist…where the alien robots come back and they have to fight them or something

Do you know what movie I’m talking about

Kat

Aliens Vs. Robots?

Rachel

lol no.

Kat

LOL

I know the one you are talking about. And I genuinely thought that was its name.

But he wears the glasses right?

Rachel

Pacific Rim

Kat

See, I was super close.

Rachel

thisclose

But yes, he wears glasses

So one day I was flipping through the channels and I saw fighting aliens and was like, okay, this is cool

And this kinda nerdy but also hip and also bespectacled man comes on the screen and I’m like woah dude who is that

It was Charlie Day lookin’ all like MyType

Kat

Dude. Totes MyType TM

Rachel

YES

And I was shocked that I had that reaction to rat killin’ Charlie

Kat

“Do you think there are pirates in there?” Charlie

Rachel

“Milk steak and Jellybeans” Charlie

Kat

A genuinely illiterate person Charlie

Rachel

SO my conclusion is that they do an amazing fucking job on IAS of character creation

and Execution

Kat

They do. Although I’m working with a lot less IAS data than you have.

Rachel

would you like to see my IAS notebooks

Kat

…………………………………………………..

Feels like a trap?

Rachel

I’m kidding and I’m glad you took it seriously

Kat

I really love TV. I feel like I’ve expressed this before.

So, I’ll take it all seriously.

You got any good gossip?

Rachel

I wish I did but I have none.

But at this point what would be good gossip

I feel like nothing would shock me anymore

Kat

Great question.

Or also, like no one does anything cool anymore.

Like my friends got some Apple Watches the other day?

Rachel

Ok what would really make an impression on you?

Kat

Like if someone revealed to me they were an undercover FBI agent.

NO

I have something better.

If someone revealed to me their unrequited and secret love for another person who was very close to me.

Or, if someone told me they have a horse.

WAIT

This would make an impression on me:

If someone had a really convincingly sexy sex dream about Paul Ryan.

Rachel

I’d rather hear about the horse.

Kat

What if the person with the unrequited love was in love with you but swore me to secrecy or he’d die?

And then I told you anyway.

LOL

Rachel

LOL

But also it would be your duty to tell me because what if I felt the same way

Kat

OMG, this would be a crazy rock and hard place.

Rachel

And you were the single element keeping us from being happy

Kat

Ok, here’s the set up.

My friend is a secret undercover FBI agent with a horse who is secretly in love with you.

He can’t tell you he’s in love with you because he has deep ties to the….mafia? And they will murder him and everyone he loves once he goes turncoat, which he’s about to.

So, he divulges his love for you to ME

Rachel

Do I know him or does he just admire me from our website and/or social media

Kat

You know him and you love him too.

But you don’t believe he loves you because of his under cover FBI persona

But there is something about true love that is still shining through.

But I can’t tell you because the second you get involved, he’s toast.

Like Caligula horse head in the bed style.

Rachel

Why would his love for me kill him?

Kat

Because I very clearly explained, the mafia.

Just, like, go with it.

Rachel

OH I thought I was a secret KGB agent

Kat

OMG TWIST.

Rachel

Ok continue

Kat

But that moves the center of our story which is this

It’s really all about the burden I share.

Of knowing the two of you love each other.

Rachel

So it’s all about you

Kat

But me divulging the information

Will kill him.

YES ALL ABOUT ME

And not divulging the information, will prevent you from ever having true love with each other.

The story needs some work, but you see where I’m going.

I’m def the Nick Narrator and you’re Daisy or Gatsby, however you wanna look at it

Rachel

So you have a secret FBI agent and a secret KGB agent secretly in love with each other and you’re the key that’s holding it together/tearing it apart

Kat

I’m the key to keeping them alive/preventing true love

Because I can either keep everyone alive or prevent true love.

Rachel

So what do you do?

Kat

Or I can divulge the information and one of you dies.

Rachel

Is love more important THAN LIFE

Kat

I’d probs never tell.

Because, like, you’d both meet other people.

True love is a myth.

Rachel

This got very dark very fast

Kat

That’s the part that’s dark for you?

What would you do?

Rachel

If I had a person with the skills of a secret FBI agent and another person with the skills of a secret KGB agent I’d be pretty confident that we’d find away to all stay alive

AND in love

Kat

TWIST

So, you’re saying you’d risk your true love’s life to fulfill your own selfish narrative?

Rachel

100% yes that is what I’m saying

Kat

I’m there. I’m there.

Rachel

I’m part of the goddamned KGB

The FBI is powerless to my KGB skills

Kat

In Russia, Love kill you.

I’m sorry, that was not even a joke.

Rachel

No

In Russia, YOU KILL LOVE

BECAUSE I’M THE VERY PERSON THAT WAS ASSIGNED TO KILL HIM

TWIST

MEGA TWIST

Kat

TWIST!!!!

Should we write this story or nah?

Rachel

I think we just fucking did

Kat

Important Question: Glenn Howerton as your love interest?

Rachel

No because I don’t find him physically attractive

Kat

Fair.

Who then? WHO??

Don’t say Jon Hamm.

Don’t say it.

Rachel

………

Ok

Kat

I KNEW IT

Rachel

Honestly though

Kat

Jon Hamm is too “go to”.

Surprise me.

Rachel

I’m having a hard time thinking of the perfect male lead

Kat

It’s like, my go to is Keanu circa 2002.

Yours is Jon Hamm.

Rachel

Like obviously there’s going to be some secret FBI/KGB sexy rendezvous and I want it to count

Kat

I mean, of course.

Rachel

But I don’t know who’d I’d share that scene with

Kat

And you wanna show full-frontal ween for the ladies right?

Rachel

Obviously

Kat

And the gay men.

Rachel

Of course

Kat

Fassbender?

Too obvs?

Rachel

No because that’s a pretty good possibility

Hiddleston but EVERYONE wants Hiddleston

Kat

Ugh, he “dated” Taylor Swift, and I’m not sure if I can live for that.

Rachel

Exactly. Tainted goods.

I’m going to Google

Kat

Smart. This is real life and it matters.

Rachel

Chris Pratt is pretty attractive, but not very dashing. We need someone more refined

Kat

I don’t feel like Chris Pratt can handle you to be really honest.

Rachel

Probably not

Clive Owen but I feel that he’s too old

Kat

Agreed but I like the direction you are heading.

What about like, a Jake Gyllenhaal?

What about a young Luke Perry?

Rachel

No and definitely no

Kat

John Cho?

Rachel

Not dapper enough

Though attractive

Kat

So handsome.

Diego Luna?

WAIT, how do you feel about Gael Garcia Bernal?

Rachel

I heart him so much but not for this role

Kat

You are tough but fair.

Rachel

You said Fassbender and I keep going back to him

Ruffalo?

Kat

Ugh, too old now right?

Rachel

Ehhhhh probably

Kat

A young RDJ?

Rachel

No

Bradley Cooper?

Kat

I like how I can call someone “too old” and then just be like, “how about this actor when he was young?”

NO

Bradley Cooper??? So basic!

More like Bradley Could You Be Less Basicer

Ugh, that was not even a joke, I’m so sorry, why do I do that?

Rachel

hahahahah YOU ARE RIGHT

Ohhhh

Rami Malek

Kat

Mr. Robot?

I think we found a winner.

Rachel

Yes

Yup

OK

YES

Kat

I feel oddly relieved that we’ve decided.

Rachel

Me too

Like our jobs as casting directors depended on it

Kat

Hahahah

Like our reality of making a movie where you play the lead character and Rami Malek is the main love interest depended on it.

AKA the only reality I inhabit

Rachel

And you’re the quirky sidekick friend who has great oneliners

only TWIST: YOU’RE KEEPING US ALIVE

Kat

TWIST

Also, I have some kind of quirky less attractive love interest.

OMG should we cast him too???

Rachel

We must.

Kat

It’s Gael Garcia Bernal.

Rachel

No

Donald Glover

Kat

Ugh, nooooo

He’s everywhere.

Rachel

Hmm…yes fact.

Everyone loves him

Kat

Right.

Is it Charlie Day

Rachel

OMFG

yES

YES

That would work

Kat

Ugh, I don’t want it to be but, like, I KNOW it is.

Can I swap for Glenn Howerton?

Rachel

Charlie Day circa Pacific Rim

I’ll allow it

Kat

Ok, thinking…thinking….do I want to make this trade that definitely applies to real life and is not just some fantasy we just thought of at this very second…?

Rachel

Ok let’s talk this through

Kat

Ok.

Rachel

Is Glenn quirky enough

Kat

My heart is RACING.

Rachel

Or is he too straightlaced

Kat

Funny, you should say that as I described his Mindy Project character thusly, “[Mindy’s] quirky but patient lawyer boyfriend.”

Rachel

I’ve honestly only seen him as Dennis Reynolds so I can’t really make this decision

Kat

Ok, you know what. For the GOOD and INTEGRITY of this VERY REAL FILM: I gotta go with Charlie Day.

I have to put aside my own personal interests.

Rachel

I’m glad we came full circle

BUT

He’s gonna look like Pacific Rim Charlie, not Milk Steak Charlie

Kat

Agreed.

Rachel

What’s his story though

How does he fit into this equatin

Kat

It’s like, he is the CEO of an animal welfare organization

And the mafia – AKA where Rami Malek is undercover – is trying to infiltrate so they can make fake fur coats.

Which is a plot line that’s NEVER been used EVER before ANYWHERE

Let me describe his everyday outfit: kakhi pants, plaid shirt, and tie with ….wait for it, Sperrys.

Rachel

I see it

Kat

Sorry and by fake fur coats I meant, real fur coats made from INNOCENT LITTLE RESCUES

Rachel

I feel like the mafia wouldn’t do that though

Kat

Why not?

Rachel

They’re more concerned with drugs and neighborhoods than dog coats

Let’s make it a big corporation that is run by the president of the US

and that’s where the KGB comes in

Kat

I thought they were concerned with making money and selling products on the black market and a good spaghetti vonghole?

Oh shit, I FORGOT about the KGB.

So, we gotta change Charlie’s job (his character will DEF be called Charlie).

Charlie’s gotta be a tie in.

So, here are the steaks are you ready:

Rachel

The KGB put the president in office under the guise of controlling the US, but it’s actually so they can prevent dog coats

Kat

  1. You’re a secret KGB agent
  2. Rami Malek is an undercover FBI agent who has infiltrating the mafia. He is thoroughly enmeshed in that mafia lyfe.
  3. I know that Rami is in love with YOU but that because he’s in so much danger because of his job, that his life and likely yours would be at stake if you were to find out.
  4. Charlie is involved with some kind of organization that the mafia wants to infiltrate to sell their black market goods.

I feel like we haven’t worked out #1 quite right…

Ok, so are you saying the KGB are the good guys here?

Rachel

I may have to give up my KGB status

Kat

MAYBE MAYBE NOT

Rachel

WAIT

WAIT

Kat

Like is the TWIST that the KGB is actually trying to prevent the senseless slaughter of rescue dogs for profit?

Rachel

I’m the mafia boss’s daughter

Kat

Oooooooohhh.

Rachel

And I know my dad is a horrible person

Kat

And I’m def your cousin.

Rachel

YES

Kat

WAIT

TWIST

Your dad’s not a horrible person.

He’s like a gentle little lamb.

He just has everyone else do his dirty work for him.

Rachel

But if he’s gentle what does he condone dirty work

Kat

He doesn’t even look like the mafia. He’s played by Ira Glass.

Rachel

I just lol’d out loud for real

Fuck Ira Glass

Kat

You KNOW that Ira Glass is PERFECT for this role.

Rachel

Yes 100%

Kat

Do not deny him the very real part of a lifetime.

As this is all VERY. REAL.

Rachel

Okay, Ira Glass is my dad who happens to be in charge of the mafia and he’s trying to take the mafia in a different direction

away from dog coats

Kat

Are you sure???

Or is Ira Glass a sweet, sweet gentle pacifist who has no problem running his mafia like a total tyrant?

Rachel

Whoa that’s some pretty fancy character development there

But yes I like it

Kat

He’s like two-face.

That’s why it’s going to be so hard for you to betray him.

Because he’s pretty evil, but he’s been great to you AND me.

Because I don’t have parents and your dad, Ira Glass, took me in.

Rachel

YES

But how does he feel about Charlie

Kat

And he loves Rami.

Hates Charlie.

Charlie is gonna be a real unsung hero.

Rachel

Are you going to use your real name or a fake one

Kat

As a character?

Rachel

Yes

Kat

My real name has no business being in a movie or a story.

My name would be Giselle or something.

Rachel

Yes. Exotic

Mine would be Jane. Something simple to offset the strange world I live in

Kat

Or MARY

Rachel

No

Kat

Because Catholics right?

Is your family Italian? Have we established?

Is it like you’re this special red headed child in an Italian fam?

Rachel

Not Mary

Yes we’re italian

because Ira Glass is italian

Omg his fucking voice is narrating this in my head

Kat

Maria?

Rachel

Marie

Kat

Marie.

Easy peasy.

Rachel

It’s stereotypical

I feel like we’ve really nailed this.

Who do we call to have this made?

Kat

I mean, Ira does live in Chicago.

I think maybe we just send an email to This American Life?

Rachel

I think that’s the best course of action.

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