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Pretend You’re Our Friend: NBY Girls Share A Private Convo

Rachel

Did you know that Vice has its own friggen TV channel?

Kat

I am shocked to read this JUST NOW!

Rachel

Ok obviously you don’t have cable

But yes, they have their own channel, and it’s the bomb.com

HOWEVER

Kat

And no, I didn’t know. Is it all like, “Here’s a show about how to live off of Nutella and vodka until you die in your own filth?”

Rachel

No. But they have a show dedicated to chefs cooking with marijuana

Kat

Feels right.

Which btws, I get all my tv from Hulu, Amazon Prime, and Netflix like a good Millennial. You may or may not be a traitor to our generation.

Rachel

I think I’m the ultimate Millennial because I have those AND normal people TV

And I still end up watching reruns of the Simpsons on FX.

Kat

You’re the ultimate old Millennial in that case.

Like you’re riding the line.

Rachel

Always.

But I digress

Kat

I feel that I skew towards the younger Millenial side of things but obviously there are barriers I can’t cross.

Due to the fact that I’m an old ass bitch.

Older than you even.

Older than time.

Rachel

You’re like 3 months older than me, so yes, “older than time” is accurate.

Kat

I feel like we are likely ten years older than every producer of every show on the Vice channel.

I obvs haven’t seen it, but just a guess.

Rachel

Hmm…it’s possible. But there is one HUGE difference between us and the people who are on Vice shows.

Kat

What’s that?

Rachel

All the shows on Vice are hosted by men.

All. Of. Them

Kat

Ugh.

Rachel

Wait…except sometimes on the Vice news show they have female correspondents

It’s so disheartening to see such a badass resource for progressive journalism to be so fucking clueless.

I’ve reached out to Vice several times on Twitter proposing that they give me a show but I get no response.

Kat

Um, have you ever read the comments on a Vice article.

EVER?

It makes you want to fuck yourself gently with a chainsaw, I’m just sayin’.

Rachel

I say no to reading the comments

Kat

Except those xoJane comments tho…

Rachel

True. Those make me vomit and cheer at the same time.

Kat

RIP xoJane.

And the commentariat.

Rachel

And all the “It Happened to Me” writers

RIP you lovely angels

Kat

lol

Rachel

But what if Vice gave us our own show

Kat

RIP my beautiful little mildly grey snowflakes.

Ok, pitch time.

Rachel

WAIT

One more RIP

Kat

We’re in a board room with some Vice Executives.

Give it to me.

Rachel

RIP Demisexual Girl, for you truly embodied everything that was wrong with xoJane

Kat

Oh, RIP Cat Hairball Vagina Girl for you were truly exploited to the furthest depths of your exploitation potential.

How about that bitch who wrote about being happy about her mentally ill friend dying?

Rachel

“But she deserved it, ya’ll. She was CRAYZAY”

Kat

You know that bitch voted for Jill Stein and felt righteous about it.

Ok, Vice Pitch time.

Unless you have more xoJane obits to add.

Rachel

Nah we’ll come back to that. We have powerful men executives waiting for us

OK

Vice hipster executive board

Kat

Ok, so they are all, I’m going to guess, men in their mid twenties and there is like a variety of “cool” Vanns tapping their nervous little toes under the table.

Does that sound accurate so far?

Like custom made vans for $300 by some carrot-headed thirteen year old artist prodigy or some shit.

Rachel

Yes. Bearded and tattooed (totally my type and I assure you I will attempt to date one or all of them should we get this show) and full of self-righteous intelligence

Kat

Ok, and at least one of them would name MGMT as his favorite band.

Rachel

I fucking hope so

Kat

We. Fucking. Hope. So.

His name is Tyler or some shit.

We’re counting on you Tyler.

Rachel

Tyler who I’ll eventually awkwardly makeout with at the Vice holiday party.

Kat

Tyler definitely has some kind of insecurity related to the time in high school when he was caught jerking off in the school parking lot of some shit.

That’s who you’re gonna make out with.

Just saying. Feels like dark shit but lets keep moving.

Rachel

Yes. That’s our demographic in our pitch meeting

Kat

Ok, I feel like I know this guy like the back of my goddamn hand.

On the one hand, there is that. On the other hand, there is us.

I like drinking vodka martinis out of plastic cups on my couch on a Wednesday night.

I feel like VICE should capitalize on my very specific and distinct brand of 30something female loneliness. Right?

Rachel

Absolutely. That’s the whole concept of the show

Kat

Ok, so we call the show, “Distinct 30something female loneliness”

Rachel

It’s a working title

Kat

Where we meet a new 30 something “female” every episode, and just chill with her for an evening.

Working title.

Rachel

I feel like we need to do more than just chill though

Kat

Do you know how quickly we could dispel of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl myth this way?

By spending an actual evening with a woman in her 30s when she gets home from work after having to sit in a cubicle all day next to fucking Brad who can’t be bothered to learn her fucking name.

Rachel

SIDENOTE I consider myself a modern Manic Pixie Dream Girl who validates my own story

Kat

PARKING LOT NOTE: You and I need to talk about that later.

I consider myself a Manic-Depressive Dream Girl does that count?

Rachel

Yes

As long as you’re cute while you do it

Kat

Because … mental illness! Cue iphone screen with the confetti!!!!!

Just kidding. I have OCD NOT Manic-depressive disorder.

Rachel

Tyler is not amused right now, but I see that he’s looking me up on Facebook from across the board room table

Kat

Oh shit.

Tyler is like, “These old bitches just keep yammering on and on and on.”

Rachel

Old bitches he’s like 30

Kat

And then Mike next to him is playing Candy Crush.

OMG, and you know Mike has a leased white 911.

Rachel

I don’t even know what that is but it sounds correct

Kat

And his Tinder profile picture is definitely one of him leaning against it in his custom vans.

Actually, I don’t know anything about Tinder.

Rachel

I know everything about Tinder and you’re right

Kat

Because, while I still manage to be profoundly lonely for deeply psychological reasons, I actually have lived with the same man for nearly a decade.

And I have never been on Tinder.

Ok, so Mike and his 911. Are they a Yes or a Hard Pass on us?

Rachel

They’re divided. Mike is a hard no, but Tyler says he wants to run this by his assistant named Jane or Aubrey or Celeste

Because she’s “a chick”

Kat

Her name is Michaela.

Rachel

FUCK YES

No

Mycaylah

Kat

Yes.

Rachel

So Mycaylah comes in looking FUCKING GORGEOUS

Kat

So Mycaylah takes one look at us and sees her not so distant future and she’s like, “I don’t KNOW.”

Wow, this is one of the most sexist things I have ever described.

Rachel

But accurate.

Kat

Mycaylah’s eyes like, darken at the prospect of what’s to come for her in the following years, and she’s like, NOPE NOPE and NOPING it the NOPE outta there.

Rachel

PLOT TWIST: Mycaylah is older than we are

Kat

And I def spill something on their conference table and laugh too much about it.

Rachel

But in denial

Kat

PLOT TWIST: Mycaylah is a GHOST and she’s haunting Tyler!!!!

Rachel

OMGOMGOMG

Kat

She’s just, like, not real good at it.

Rachel

While we’re sitting there I’ll get a FB friend request from Tyler, too

Kat

So, because white male entitlement is so fucking impenetrable, he saw her and immediately treated her as his assistant.

And then there we go.

She was like, “I don’t want to be rude, and even though I’m supposed to be haunting him, I guess I’ll just do some light filing for now. I mean, it’s not like it’s out of my way or something???”

Do you Y or N that FB request.

Rachel

I Y it because I’m willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get us this show

Kat

You’re truly dedicated to the cause.

Rachel

If it means handjobs during the Vice holiday party then so be it

Kat

Amen.

Rachel

OK

So

They eventually green light the show

Kat

Although, I’m not clear why.

I feel like it was a clerical error because they let a ghost do all their paperwork.

Rachel

Either way we’re on fucking TV

Kat

Which is why we rename our show, “A Ghost Gave Us This Show” because we are feminists and we gotta give our girl props.

Rachel

Do you think Mycaylah would be willing to be our assistant?

Kat

I think our new mission becomes a way to free Mycaylah from the shackles of the physical realm so she can be released into the afterlife with the other ghosts.

I mean, they are paying her like $13/hour. It’s unconscionable.

She’s a ghost. How’s she supposed to buy see through clothing to cover her ghostly body???

Rachel

Yes

Kat

Did I take the ghost bit too far?

Rachel

No, but I’m imagining Mycaylah as Dobby from Harry Potter

We give her a fashionable see-through trench and she’s like “I’M FREEEEEE”

Kat

And then her body floats to ….up?

I don’t maintain mystical beliefs so I’m gonna decline to give other-worldly places names.

Rachel

It just floats into the netherworld.

Kat

It goes to the Netherlands.

And it’s much happier there.

Because no Donald Trump, sorry but I had to.

Rachel

Let’s go with that

Kat

Good bye Ghost Mycaylah.

Rachel

Thanks for the show

Kat

May you RIP with that one IHTM about the white girl in the yoga class who cried because a black woman joined.

DUDE.

Remember all the white tears in that article???

Rachel

I honestly do not remember that article

Kat

Skinny, white girl projects her racism onto the one black woman in her yoga class because per white girl thinks black girl is sad about not fitting in and then she goes home and cries about it.

It was a true xoJane masterpiece.

Rachel

HOLD

THE FICK

FUCK

UP

Kat

I like Fick. Using it.

Rachel

This actually happened

I’m going to find it and read it

Kat

How did you not know about one of the GREATEST of all time IHTM xoJane articles White Girl Sees Black Girl in Yoga Class; Cries

Title is my own interpretation.

Rachel

I thought nothing could top “I’m a demisexual which gives me an excuse to not interact appropriately and doesn’t that make me SPECIAL”

Kat

I have SO many feelings about that demisexual article. I STILL – YEARS later – have yet to parse them all out fully.

Rachel

100%

BTW

All I typed into Google was “xojane bla” and the first thing that was autofilled was “xojane black yoga”

Kat

LOL

Infamy.

Rachel

Oh my god.

And there’s an editor’s letter accompanying it

Kat

Yeah, what the fuck was up with xoJane’s absent but yet ever present editing jobs?

Like the editors were seen and heard EVERYWHERE, but all the contributors had the shittiest of the shit editing jobs I’ve ever seen.

Rachel

My own IHTM that was published was never edited and while the writing was good there were errors that a goddamned editor should find (#humblebrag)

Kat

I read yours, and it was definitely one of the best IHTMs out there.

But I’m gonna be real with you.

xoJane began setting that bar really low.

Rachel

100%

Okay

I’m reading this

And WHAT.

What is happening.

Kat

I want you to sit in this feeling for a minute.

Just like you might in a yoga class.

Where a black person shows up.

And it makes you want to cry little, delicate, skinny white tears.

Rachel

I have a question but I need to finish this in case it gets answered later

Ok, it never was answered.

Kat

What’s the question?

Rachel

Why the fuck would she assume that this woman was having a nervous breakdown because she wasn’t skinny and white?

Kat

Because she needed to center the story of someone else around her own white experience.

And because she’s a cunt.

You choose!

Choose your own racist adventure!!!

Cue iphone balloons!!!

Mycaylah comes back from the afterlife to yell, “Hurray!”

Tyler posts on your facebook wall, “You did it!!”

Rachel

And we get nominated for an Emmy because we chose the fact that this chick needs to center the story of someone else around her own white experience AND that she’s a cunt

Kat

Quick cut to, “Where’s the beef?” Old lady just for funsies.

Rachel

Mike rolls in and says, “It’s in my pants!”

Kat

LOL, OH MIKE

We love your casual sexual harrasment!

Rachel

OH MIKE YOU SLY DOG

I love our show already.

Kat

What’s it about again?

I wanna say….dinosaurs?

Rachel

Vodka martinis in plastic cups and the ever present feeling of doomed loneliness

Kat

Ah right. That old classic tale.

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