Casual / Uncategorized

It’s NBY Girl Talk Time… SURE! Take A Look-See.

Kat

OH! I’d like to begin with an announcement.

Rachel

YES. I am ready for it.

Kat

This afternoon, my dog Griff picked up one of my shoes and placed it directly on top of one of Max’s shoes and then turned around and looked at me like, “WHAT BITCH!?”

Rachel

He’s trying to tell you that it’s time to make a baby.

He’s a societal representative.

Kat

Griff does like a long con, and a baby would likely provide him with the table scraps that only dreams are made of.

Just like, all the baby-mucused crackers and mac and cheese he could handle.

Rachel

Yes but at what cost?

I just threw up a little.

Kat

You’re welcome.

Rachel

Do babies eat mac and cheese

?

Kat

[longest pause ever]

…….

Rachel

I feel like they don’t until they’re like 8.

Kat

Pretty sure a 5 year old can pound some M&C.

Rachel

We never had m&c when I was a kid.

Kat

Ok, you’re clearly not a patriot.

Rachel

I only ate it when I was old enough to make it myself, so like when I was 3.

JK

Kat

OMG, saddest sentence ever.

Rachel

Oh God that is sad. A small 3 year old making dinner for herself

Kat

I only ate it when I was old enough to handle fire arms, so like six months.

Rachel

Matilda made dinner for herself and she was a badass bitch so that’s not too bad.

Kat

For some reason, under a Trump Presidency, three year old standing on a box trying to reach the stove to boil water for his M&C, is much, much, much sadder than even my icy heart could handle.

MATILDA!

That bitch.

What a fucking winner she was. Matilda 2020

You know who I saw on a youtube channel saying she wants to have a baby?

Rachel

She’d telekinesis Trump’s ass out to da curb.

WHO?

Kat

One Cat Marnell.

Rachel

Cat Fucking Marnell.

Kat

Also, guess who’s drug addled memoir I bought today?  [Cat Marnell]

Rachel

OMG YAAASS though I’m disappointed that you didn’t check it out from your local library.

Kat

I’m disappointed too because I REALLY don’t want to give her money but I’m addicted to reading things on my iPhone screen. Can’t explain it.

Rachel

Um you can check out e-books now at your local library.

Kat

Lemme tell you. You want sad? This memoir is a fucking wilted leaf of arugula that’s been left to dry out in the middle of a black top in the desert.

On my iPhone tho?

Rachel

  1. Your analogy is shockingly easy to visualize. and 2. YES THEY HAVE APPS FOR THAT.

Kat

  1. Sad lettuce is sad. 2. FUCK MAN!?

That fucking drug addict doesn’t deserve my $12 Never again.

Rachel

I’m doing research on your local library and its offerings while we discuss Cat “I died in 2014” Marnell

Kat

Dude, Cat “my bones are really just plastic straws” Marnell.

Cat “if you touch my skin it peels off like wallpaper” Marnell.

Rachel

Have you started the book?

Kat

Cat “I might be that muppet who plays drums” Marnell

Yeah, man. I am fast af. I’ve read like half of it.

Rachel

Is her writing at least decent? That’s what I always liked about her

Kat

Lots of exclamatories. And lots of exclam-a-stories.

Just like, “And then I snorted heroin with my roommate. She looked like a barbie doll except for all the track marks. It was a great summer!”

Not a direct quote, but may as well be.

Rachel

So not anything like her Vice writing

Kat

No, closer to her xoJane style.

Her VICE writing was actually pretty impressive.

Rachel

UGH now I am definitely not reading that book.

Kat

She definitely describes herself being raped or sexually assaulted several times but won’t call it rape or sexual assault and also describes her abortion as killing a baby.

It’s hella strange.

Like, kind of a disappointment too? I expected more from her but I don’t know why.

Rachel

Even though she’s on the brink of death all the time, I feel like she’s never going to die.

Kat

I could not disagree more.

I think she’s actually being Weekend at Bernie’s by Jane Pratt.

Rachel

Do you think Jane Pratt is still involved with her?

Kat

Not sure because once you have known and loved Skeletor does Skeletor actually ever leave you?

(Jane Pratt is the Skeletor in this case, but also works for Cat Marnell.)

Rachel

Maybe when Jane launches a new journalistic endeavor she’s going to promote it by taking Cat on an episode of Intervention.

Kat

You watch that episode of Intervention, Y or N

Rachel

I would have a goddamned viewing party.

Kat

Fucking slow clap.

You’re right.

Are you hitting any good reality shows these days? Or any good shows at all?

Rachel

Actually my mom got me turned on to Downton Abbey. I was reluctant but it’s the most soothing show ever.

Kat

Only under a Trump Administration is Downton Abbey an acceptable show – IMO.

Because it’s like, we just need the sweet dulcet tones of rich, British people who already live in an out and out caste system.

I’ve been on the Crazy Ex Girlfriend train…..and it’s 100.

Rachel

Yes. They get upset that they can’t eat in a specific dining room and I’m like BRA-FUCKING-VO.

Kat

LOLOLOL

Or it’s like WHO SERVED THE FUCKING CLARET AT NOON TIME TEA

MURDER THEM

Rachel

YES. But in all seriousness it’s a really well done show.

I have not tried Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Kat

I watched the first season and then was like, WHY DOES ANYONE LIKE THIS BLOND MOTHERFUCKER?

Rachel

First season of Downton?

Fancy Man Matthew?

Kat

YES

So Fancy and Lady Mary was allll about that D.

that Fancy Man D.

Rachel

I think Matthew is dreamy but also incredibly whiney.

I could not deal.

Kat

I shouldn’t be so harsh, honestly, because I remember exactly zero about the show from back when I watched it.

Its actually pretty remarkable how little I remember.  But anyway.

Rachel

Do you remember Xanga?

Kat

Yes, but i had an LJ.

Rachel

I had Xanga and LJ.

i want to revive LJ, but also i just downloaded my xanga archives

Kat

WHOA

What?

How do you want to revive LJ exactly?

Rachel

I want to be emo again

I MISS IT

Kat

Do you feel emo about having once been emo?

Rachel

I do

Kat

I feel like you just fulfilled your mission?

Rachel

I want to listen to Bright Eyes and lament about not having a boyfriend in a band.

Kat

What are you looking for like, bassist, lead singer, trumpet player…

Rachel

DOES IT MATTER?

Kat

UH DO BABIES EAT MAC AND CHEESE?

YAH.

Rachel

Though I’ve already done the drummer, so something different preferably.

LOLOL

Kat

You’ve already done the drummer, time to do the whole band. I mean, it’s good to have goals.

Rachel

AT ONCE WHAT IS THIS SVU

Kat

LOLOLOL

SVU jokes on point.

You know what my new fave thing to say is when I call my Senators? /off topic

Rachel

TELL ME

Kat

So, after I say all my points e.g. Steven Bannon is a white supremacist, where you speaking about that? Vote no Devos, Sessions, Gorsuch, say yes to refugees, immigration, etc. THEN at the end of my call I sort them into a Hogwarts House.

And LET. ME. TELL. YOU.

ALL OF MY FUCKING SENATORS ARE SLYTHERINS

And exactly none of them are Snape.

Rachel

How do the staffers respond?

Kat

A lot of stunned stuttering.

I’d call it puttering.

Rachel

Are they like, “OMG YES please help me I’m a Hufflepuff trapped in the Slytherin Common Room”

Kat

LOL

Girl. Sometimes I feel like they are!!!

But I also called Kamala Harris (Griffindor) and Bernie (Hufflepuff) and I let them know that as well.

Rachel

You should sympathize with them if they agree to the fact that they are indeed Hufflepuff.

Kat

But I call them and say, “Thanks for not being two bit spineless shills and actually standing up for justice and democracy”

You know, if they are working for a Senator in SC, Hufflepuff is like the best they are ever gonna be.

Rachel

It’s awesome and also terrifying how similar the state of our country is to the plot of Harry Potter.

Kat

It’s exactly what is happening.

I think Bannon is Vol-de-Mort

Trump is Lucious Malfoy.

They are all Death Eaters. Devos…Bellatrix Lestrange

Rachel

No I think Trump is Belatrix

Kat

LOL

TRUE.

Good point, I shouldn’t needlessly conform to gendering here.

Rachel

DeVos is way to idiotic to be anything other than a common follower.

Kat

WAIT

Devos is a squib!!

Of course she’s a Squib.

Rachel

Of course she is. She had to pay her way into the wizard elite

Kat

Remember when she was being asked questions by the Senate and she was trying to use her big girl words and then she ended up saying something about shooting a bear at a school?

Which, btws, what kind of grown ass woman goes by the name BETSY?

Let’s come up with a different name for her.

Betsy Dev..oid of any good answers for her confirmation hearing.

Betsy Dev…ils live in gay people because she believes in conversion therapy.

Betsy Devo was a good band.

Or WERE THEY?

Rachel

I think you used all the “dev” words so you win this round.

Kat

😦

Rachel

OOH WAIT

Kat

Betsy De…finitely Didn’t Read a Book

Rachel

Betsy De…veloping a system in which rich kids get the best Christian education their parents can afford.

Kat

Fuck you for winning this game.

Rachel

I TOOK IT THERE AND I LEFT IT THERE

Kat

CUE IPHONE CONFETTI SCREEN

OH WAIT IT’S ACTUALLY A NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE OH NOOOOOSSS

#itshardtojokewhenyoufeelitsreal

Rachel

OMG I really hope Apple develops a mushroom cloud thing like that.

Kat

Real question, do you think when Betsy Devos masturbates that she uses some kind of medieval device?

Or do you think she’s just dry as time down there?

Do you think if Betsy Devos gets sworn in as Secretary of Education that she’s gonna make herself homecoming queen at every high school???

That seems like the kind of basic ass shit she would do.

Rachel

Um actually she’s too busy worrying about our nation’s education needs to even begin to think about sex.

Kat

Follow up question: CAN Betsy Devos spell the words “busy” “worry” “nation” or “education”

Rachel

“can”

Kat

LOLLLLLL

Rachel

“Betsy”

Kat

I feel like Betsy Devos should constantly be wearing a yellow prairie dress with a matching parasol.

Rachel

Or look like Betty Draper all the fucking time.

Kat

How DARE you

Betty Draper is a goddess.

Rachel

Um no.

Kat

Clothing wise.

Rachel

Oh

Ok yes.

BUT

I feel like she’d be the Queen of the PTA in a conservative New England town

But only because her husband is the mayor and actually she’s fucking clueless so she runs the PTA into the ground

Kat

Like, it’s gotta be impossible to run a PTA into the ground, but she managed it.

Rachel

Yes. She had a bake sale as a fundraiser to put guns in every classroom

For all the bears.

Kat

What’s better: Betsy Devos’s Michigan accent or lighting yourself on fire?

Rachel

CONFESSION: I’ve never heard her speak

I’ve only read what she’s said

Kat

Smart, actually.

At this point, I haven’t heard Trump’s actual voice in weeks. I can only bare to read it.

Bear.

Rachel

Same.

I haven’t heard him speak since Inauguration day.

Kat

But I can tell you that he is saying GREAT things. Really great stuff! GREAT!

RoguePOTUSStaffer 4 eva tho.

Rachel

I followed them

Kat

Like I don’t know about you but I so fully believe they are the real thing.

Rachel

It’s possible but I feel like they’ve cleansed the White House of all that is good and just

They’d have to be soooo undercover.

Kat

OMG There’s a SNAPE in their midsts!!

DUDE THIS IS ACTUALLY HARRY POTTER.

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